If You’re Explaining Your Relationship to Internet Strangers, You Should Break Up

Back in spring, I locked aged popular discussion website Metafilter out of my browsing life via my hosts file, just to take a break. Yesterday I went back, to see how the fine people of Ask Metafilter were faring in asking questions of strangers. It seemed pretty similar: people looking for travel advice, people working on their leaky basements… and people trying to convince themselves that they were having decent relationships. This is the worst!

Here is The First Law of Relationships in the Age of the Internet: If you have to ask a messageboard about your situation, you already know the answer.

The First Corollary is: If you are typing out a long explanation of your relationship to strangers, the main person you’re failing to convince is you.

The Second Corollary is: You should always break up.

In ten minutes at Metafilter, I saw at least four stories, possibly six, that proved this law.

• “He replied that he likes where things are at with us for the time being. He’s been enjoying getting to know me too, he’s just not ready to go that direction… Was that a gentle let down or a ‘let’s see where things go’?” — Person trying to convince herself that he’s into her.

• “I have been seeing someone for 4 months. Quite a few times he was very pushy with having sex while I am sick or during period when I made it clear that I don’t want to…. Am I over-reacting?” — Person… trying to convince herself she’s not dating a very sick person?

• “Someone I’m seeing has a some-what change of heart/mind towards me in terms of how he envisions our future/potential…. I just don’t want him to get into my head and heart too much if I do continue having sex with him, and I’m afraid that if I end the sex with him, it would seem manipulative, and I honestly think that if i end the sex with him, i would just end the whole thing altogether but i’m not ready to, yet.” — Someone totally lost in head games, convincing herself that anyone should care what the fuck he thinks!

• “My boyfriend doesn’t want to move in with me because of my woeful housekeeping.” — Someone who needs to not move in with her boyfriend.

DON’T DATE ANYONE WHO ISN’T THROWING HIM OR HER OR THEMSELF AT YOU.

Gif by, of course, the wonderful Cat Frazier.