Specific Fears, Ranked

by Alexandra Molotkow

32. Peaches are perfect; you only bought three

31. Discover that fruit has consciousness

30. Wake up in space

29. Wake up head of Federal Reserve

28. Something behind shower curtain

27. Figure behind you in mirror

26. Reflection turns evil in mirror

25. Autonomic nervous system malfunction; have to breathe on purpose

24. Pee shy on cruise ship

23. Recognized from Tinder

22. Turn phone off for gym, find out everyone hates your last tweet

21. Turn phone off for gym, find out loved one has died

20. Parents were doing it with their friends the whole time

19. Parents were doing it with your friends the whole time

18. Bug lays eggs in ear canal

17. Discover Dad is Banksy

16. Webcam hacked by pervert

15. Webcam hacked by childhood enemy

14. But what if you ARE your thoughts

13. Unborn twin shares brain, lives in stomach (you are the twin)

12. Dosed with acid

11. Hummus left by subletter is acid hummus

10. Vintage dress is cursed

9. Accidentally doodle ancient character, summon demon

8. Inspiration for username/subject of tattoo makes unconscionable statement in interview

7. Someone breaks in while you’re sleeping, writes offensive word on your forehead

6. Ancestor delivers important message in dream; forget because you had to check Twitter the second you woke

5. Sleepwalk and murder somebody

4. Sleepwalk and self-release rap album called A Peek Inside My Rhyme Book

3. No free will

2. Bad in bed

1. Papercut on clit