“Fuck Good Taste. Let’s Have Some Details.”

by Alexandra Molotkow

The third M (Monroe, Mansfield…) was Mamie Van Doren, the baddest of them all, known for her work in High School Confidential, Untamed Youth “and other films of this calibre,” as Wikipedia put it. Her legacy is as an actress/blonde bombshell, but also a sex master up for incredible fun at all times and all costs.

“The studios wanted us to be rivals,” she told People in 1985, “but we were really close friends. I was always one step behind Marilyn. She made all the right moves, hung out with the right people who could advance her career. I was just the opposite. I was always breaking dates with moguls and running off with guys younger than myself.”

The writer notes that she still looks great. “Don’t worry, I won’t be writing a book about staying beautiful on cinnamon rolls and Mexican beer,” she responds. “But what the hell, it’s worked for me.” She’s 84 years old now but looks a wild 50 or so and still poses in states of undress.

In the 1950s, Van Doren had a contract with Universal; the studio dropped her after her son was born, but she hustled her own way, and has appeared in over 50 movies to date. As she told Sandra Bernhard on the program Reel Wild Cinema, “I was a feminist. I never was a professional wife. I never married men for money. I really worked hard, and that was just the way it was.”

A couple of years ago, Van Doren republished a collector’s edition of her 1987 memoir, Playing the Field, in which she talks in detail about her sex life and the famous men who’ve been part of it, and right on, because that’s called life experience. She has posted some of these stories on her website, which I strongly recommend you visit, because it’s juicy as fuck and because you already want Mamie as a godmother.

Exhibit A:

Tony stood at my dressing room door in that loincloth, fresh off the “Spartacus” set. Handsome? My clit stood at attention. Tony closed the door without a word. I slipped off the robe I was wearing over my little Eve outfit and peeled out of the costume. Tony was out of that loincloth before you could say Gladiator. We fell onto the bed in a hot embrace.

I suppose in the name of good taste I should just fade to black here. But, fuck good taste. Let’s have some details.

Tony was one great lover. This gladiator had a weapon that was just what the doctor ordered, and he wasted no time in putting it to it’s proper use. We worked up a sweat as we fucked, and our body makeup ran and smeared the bed spread.

Exhibit B:

“I’m glad we had that extra bottle. Did I ever tell you, Mamie, that I consider myself the male Mamie Van Doren?”

I recall trying very hard to focus at that point. “No, you never told me that.”

He proceeded to give me a list of reasons why he thought of himself as the male me. It is certainly the most unusual statement that has ever been made to me before I went to bed with someone.

As we undressed there was a windstorm of clothing flying through the air. We didn’t speak-there was only the sound of our breathing as we revealed ourselves to each other. A few caresses and Burt and I were between the sheets doing the pony ride.

I was just getting into the spirit of the moment when Burt began to thrash wildly. His voice cracked and he moaned, “Ohhhh! Ohhh! Judy! Juuudddy! He collapsed and that was it. Fade to black.

“I’ve had hundreds of men,” she told People, “but I turned down more men than I dated.” She regretted not being more attentive to Prince Axel of Denmark, who really liked her. “I would have made a great princess. After all, I wasn’t doing anything Grace Kelly wasn’t doing at the time, and the princess bit really saved her reputation.”