This Episode Of “The X-Files” Is Twenty Years Old And I’m Still Mad About It

I practically flipped over my table when I saw that there was a new X-Files trailer; as we’ve established, I have many thoughts and feelings about this fictional universe where two hot nerds (“special agents”) squint at each other — but like, in a sexy way — and never solve a goddamned case. It’s just a very good television show, ok?! And I’m very excited to see this new season because according to the trailer those nerds got a lot hotter with age?! Don’t @ me.

A few weeks ago I was pretty sick and re-watching old episodes for “medicinal purposes,” because I am a doctor and that was my prescription, and I got myself all worked up again watching the episode “3.” Allow me to describe, because paraphrasing old episodes of absurd television shows is my favorite thing in the world: so, Scully has been abducted by aliens, probably, and Mulder is super sad about it, but he’s like “well I still have to work, so” and he starts investigating these murders that he eventually realizes are being committed by three people who THINK they are vampires but are also maybe REAL vampires? And Mulder totally fucks the girl vampire, and it’s kind of hot, but she ends up killing herself and the other two maybe-vampires to save the world or whatever.

Ok, so as I’ve said in the past, at this stage of the show Mulder and Scully are totally, absolutely fucking, but like, WHO KNOWS what their arrangement is, so I don’t want to get all up on my high horse about Mulder “cheating” or something equally dumb, because sexual relationships are a complex thing and also these are fictional characters and this episode is literally twenty years old, but: Mulder, are you fucking kidding me?! Your partner in business and ~in bed~ is abducted by aliens and your first reaction is to get your dick wet with some sexy vampire???!!? That is beyond rude. Like, hi, I’m sure Scully would love to be getting it too, but she can’t, because an alien abducted her, and the least you could do is keep it in your pants out of solidarity, oh my god, I’m so mad.

I watched this episode with Alex and she graciously permitted my running ranting live commentary on this episode, and she also told me that at the time of filming, said sexy vampire was played by David Duchovny’s real-life girlfriend, Perrey Reeves, which does explain the overpowering fuck fumes between them. And I am in favor of fuck fumes almost always!! Just, like, Jesus fucking Christ, the way (fictional) men think exclusively with their (fictional) dicks never fails to amaze me.

Anyway, The X-Files premieres on January 24th, 2016. I’m sure I’ll have lots more opportunities to get irrationally angry then.