Horoscopes: Stairway to the Stars

by Sachar Mathias

Sagittarius (22 November — 22 December)

Lately, life has felt a lot like that dream where you’re falling and falling but never hit the ground. The only way you’re gonna land on your feet this week is to finally wake up! But timing is everything for a Sagittarius like you, so make sure that when you’re ready to snap out of it you’re falling straight down in a sort of standing-up position but with your knees slightly bent, or else you might land on your side and break all your bones, both in the dream and in real life as well.

Scorpio (23 October — 22 November)

Do something for yourself this week! Isn’t it about time? Whether it’s cooking yourself a nice meal, buying that new cashmere sweater, or finding your way into your crush’s email and searching for your name to see what he’s potentially saying about you and then searching for variations of your name in case he spelled it wrong, paying a little attention to yourself is long overdue. Get out there and show yourself some love!

Taurus (20 April — 21 May)

If love is blind, then you’re its seeing eye dog! You’ll have no trouble steering a relationship in the direction you want it to go this week. But don’t start chasing your tail if you suddenly smell another dog’s scent — it might just be that one of your man’s best friends got a little bit of pee on him by accident. Be patient, Taurus, and life will throw you a bone. All dogs go to heaven, even the Lady and the Tramp, and when Lassie comes home love will surely be waiting there to Air Bud Golden Receive her.

Capricorn (22 December — 20 January)

They say the devil’s in the details, and this week you’re proving them right! Don’t be afraid to keep checking-up on your employees and re-dotting their “i”’s if you don’t think the dots they put there are dark enough, or if they’re too high above the stick part of the “i,” or off-center. Your team may start to feel second-guessed, but for you, Capricorn, success is not a guessing game. By the end of the week, no matter how little you’ve all gotten done, everyone will know who to thank for it.

Virgo (23 August — 23 September)

Love’s a revolving door this week, Virgo, and you’re just spinning in it! Even though it’s exciting and fun, be sure not to spend too much time going around in circles because other people need to get into and out of the building, and you’re getting in everyone’s way. You’re guaranteed to find that love can be like a lot of other kinds of doors if you just step aside for a moment and let someone else go through, and you might even realize that you like those other doors better than one that was designed to literally trap you inside part of it for a minute.

Aries (20 March — 20 April)

The changing weather makes for the perfect time to change-up your old routine! Try adding a little fun to the everyday by walking to work a different way, reading a good book, or getting into that band you’ve been meaning to check out. Your stars are aligned for excitement this week, so that new experience might just end up being one of the greatest times of your life, and let’s face it — not a ton more great things are going to happen to you, at your age.

Leo (22 July — 23 August)

The universe is like whoa this week, so don’t be alarmed if you keep getting thrown off-balance. If the road gets too bumpy, maybe just go to sleep until next week or sit alone somewhere for a long enough time to feel like when you get up you’ll have both feet on the ground. But definitely don’t talk to anyone this week, for the whole week. Instead, use the time to reflect, think of clever things to say at an upcoming party, or practice reacting to things other people might say to you at a party. Try laughing to yourself in the mirror, or looking surprised, or like “whoa!”

Pisces (18 February — 20 March)

You’re marching to the beat of your own drum these days, which couldn’t be more perfect, ’cause this parade kind of sucks! Don’t be surprised if you, Pisces, find yourself stepping out of line and running like hell when nobody’s looking. Just make sure you bring your drum with you when you do, because it’s gonna be reeeeeeeal boring where you’re going, and there probably wont be anyone else around when you get there, and you’re gonna need something to do all day.

Gemini (21 May — 21 June)

It feels like you’re in a million different places at once this week, and that nobody wants you in any of them. You’re probably right! But where else are you gonna go? You’ve already been everywhere. You might not be able to pick up and go just yet, but try planning your next move from up against a wall that your clothes are designed to blend into so that no one notices you’re standing there because, yeah, no, they definitely don’t want you hanging around anymore and everyone’s talking about it.

Cancer (21 June — 22 July)

As the week begins you’ll find yourself asking a lot of life’s big questions, like “is this really ME?” or “does this really make me happy?” and “ugh she is SO PRETTY” or “when is he gonna caaaaaaaaaall meeeeeeeeeeeeee?” and “I bought these jeans THREE MONTHS ago and now they don’t fit and so I have to buy NEW jeans AGAIN when what I really want to be spending my money on is BOOTS.” You might not find all the answers immediately, but by the week’s end you’ll realize that some of those aren’t even questions, so whatever.

Aquarius (20 January — 18 February)

Expect someone from your past to make a cameo this week! Whether they’re asking for a favor, or just some friendly advice, it’s best to keep them waiting because where have they been all this time? Even if you have the time or resources to help, don’t do it and you just might find that it makes them need your help even more.

Libra (23 September — 23 October)

You’re usually on top of your finances, Libra, so when the bills start to pile up this week, you might feel the urge to run under the bed and hide! But how long can you really stay down there? A week? Three weeks? Instead, just throw all of the bills under the bed as soon as they come in the mail. They can stay down there forever with no food or water, and very little light, so better them than you.

Sachar Mathias is doing her best because she understands that that’s the most anyone can do.