Everyone Needs to Relax About the New Airport Security Measures

As you’re probably aware, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has instated a new set of security measures that require passengers to either walk through an x-ray that reveals a silhouette of their private parts — and, more relevantly, any secret weapons they might be hiding — or undergo a thorough, groin-touching pat-down. And people are all flustered about it — including one blogger who refused both, and is now being (possibly) slapped with a $10,000 fine. Which is ridiculous and unnecessary, but dude, just walk through the thing!

Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but what’s the worst that can happen? These people aren’t ogling your penis/boobs/vagina — they’re looking for guns and bombs and other things that will potentially make your flight TERRIBLE. Or, even if they kind of do ogle your penis/boobs/vagina, so what? Isn’t increased safety a decent exchange for letting yourself be one in an endless flood of faceless, semi-naked bodies that random people you’ll never see again scan for three seconds? Bodies are boring! They’re all basically the same fat, lumpy, saggy sacks of flesh — especially to people paid to look at them all day, every day. No one cares about your stupid body! OR DO THEY?

Imaginary worst-case scenarios

Break room, Delta. Two men are eating sandwiches.

“Oh my god, remember 45 minutes ago that girl who came through the — “

“Hahaha, dude, you DON’T EVEN NEED to say more, I know exactly the girl you’re talking about.”

“Ugh, I know, I actually almost barfed.”

“I did actually barf, you just didn’t see because I ducked under my desk real quick. I mean, she was kind of fat, but like not even that fat? Ugh, and then her boobs!”

“Oh my god her boobs, literally don’t even.”

They both start gagging and have to put down their sandwiches.

Break room, Jet Blue. Two women are relaxing.

“Janice, OMG, guess what I mean when I do this.” She holds up her pinky.

“Hahahahahah, ummm obviously you’re talking about that dude who came through here like three weeks ago with that tiny dick that we can’t ever stop talking about, ever, ever, ever!!!”

“Hahaha, you know it!”

Just walk through the thing!