Nerds, Nipple Hairs, and Blindfolded Threesomes

by A Dude

My partner has been pushing me for some time now to have sex with him and another guy; he even suggested that I could be blind-folded and not have to see the other guy. Is this normal?? His insistence is beginning to make me feel really uncomfortable.

This question is tricky, because you tell me all about what the dude wants, and barely anything about how you feel about the situation. So there are two parallel answers here: one for a lady who might be open to threesomes under the right circumstances but wishes this guy would stop nagging, and one for a lady who finds the whole idea a turn-off.

But before we get to the actual advice: no, it’s not really normal. I’ve never known a dude who was really into MMF, much less insistent about it. Then again, I’ve never known a dude who was into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but we know that happens. (❤ you Carradine, wherever you are.) Maybe some dudes are just into that?

Of course, you are not going to be surprised when I say that I would mostly characterize those dudes as “bisexual,” “bicurious,” or “closet gay.” If I’m being ignorant here, I hope some commenters will step in and set the record (oh god shield your eyes) straight.

Speaking of which! The blindfold is especially odd — is not being able to see the guy you’re in bed with supposed to be comforting? I mean, if you’re going to be able to feel the other dude anyway, I don’t get the point, and if you aren’t going to be able to feel him then WHOA THERE.

Of course, there’s no reason you can’t have a good relationship with a bisexual dude, so long as you’re OK with it. Closet gay is obviously a problem, but if that’s what’s going on, I’m sorry: this is way beyond saving already.

But the most important thing I see here is this: you can’t have a good relationship with someone who makes you feel really uncomfortable about sex. You have some thinking to do, and then some talking to do. First, seriously consider this: under what — if any — circumstances would you agree to this guy’s request? Then you have to explain to him that the nagging is making you uncomfortable and has to stop. Either explain that this will never happen, or what the two of you have to do before it can happen. He needs to understand this in concrete terms: an ultimatum, or a series of points you need to reach together.

You probably also need to have a serious discussion about his sexuality. Bisexuals can make perfectly good boyfriends, but if he needs male partners to be fulfilled, and you don’t want to do threesomes or an open relationship, that isn’t going to work out. However, good news: the standard arrangement for a relationship with a bisexual is the same as with anyone: both of you abstain from sex with everyone else. (Although occasionally you get to ogle other people together, which is fun!)

Finally, I should make it clear that I think it’s possible for this issue to break you guys up. Unresolved sexuality issues are a mess, and whether you want to hold his hand through that process is entirely your choice. If you don’t think you can handle it, the breakup might be the better option anyway.

Dude seriously, can you just go down on me and have that be it, the sum total of orgasming that will occur in that particular occasion of sex? Sometimes I just want it be about me, OK? Is that OK?

I’M SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW I PROMISE I’LL BE BETTER NEXT TIME JUST STOP BEING ANGRY AT ME NOW

Sorry — dude reflex. The answer to your question is “Yes?”

I mean, I’m assuming that occasionally I get a BJ without strings attached. And if I get really hot and bothered while going down on you and then don’t have an outlet for that, you aren’t going to get freaked out if I take matters into my own hands, right? I don’t think this has to be a controversy.

And of course by “I,” I mean “some other dude who is not me.” At least, I assume so. My willingness to stand in for dudes in general has its limits.

Growing up, I was a huge nerd. I didn’t really “blossom” or whatever until later in high school. Now I go to an engineering college. I put a lot of effort into my appearance, and I think I’m attractive. Almost all of my friends are guys. Having been such a nerd in school, I never really learned how to politely decline a date invitation. I never even really learned the lines between friends and flirting. So now, I keep repeating the situation of meeting a guy, becoming friends, then finding out he has a crush and wants us to date. I never deal with this well, and it usually means the end of the friendship. Does this mean that they were never really interested in me as a friend, or am I just handling things badly? Is there some form of decoder ring so I can know when a guy friend has a crush on me, and how to deal with it? (As a note: my current way of dealing with this is: When I think they’re about to ask me out, I change the subject quickly and hope that eventually they stop trying to ask)

Generally, if you’re available and he’s available and you’re attractive and the two of you get along, a guy who just met you is going to ask you out at some point. This doesn’t mean you wouldn’t work as friends, but it does mean that the decoder ring would be pretty pointless. So you are going to have to learn to politely decline! Avoiding the question does NOT count. Dudes like to deal in things that are concrete and clear — that’s actually a lot more important than being polite, in most cases.

You don’t specify why you’re saying no to these guys, so I’m going to assume ALL OF THE ENGINEERING COLLEGE STEREOTYPES ARE TRUE. I don’t actually know what most of those are, so let’s cover some generic reasons and effective ways to express them:

• You’re with someone: “Sorry, I’m with someone.”
• You’re interested in someone else: “Sorry, but I have this huge crush on a guy in my ___ class.”
• You don’t really feel like dating right now: “Sorry, I’m kind of on a break from dating.”
• He’s ugly: “Sorry, I’m kind of on a break from dating.”

There is sort of a pattern to this, isn’t there? Also keep in mind that you may not have to offer a reason. It’s possible that “I’d rather not” is all he’ll need to hear before never wanting to speak of this interaction again. Generally, be honest and kind and specify that you like him but not in that way. He will be disappointed, but continue to be nice to him and things should sort out.

My question is this: How concerned do I need to be about the feelings of the dudes with whom I hook up but do not intend to date seriously/see more than a couple of times/talk to ever again? I used to assume that most dudes were just psyched to get some play, but recent experience has made me wonder if perhaps I’m being a little too cavalier.

It’s possible! Dudes are always psyched to get some play, but many are going to like you enough that they want to see you again. It’s unavoidable — but there are a few ground rules you can follow to ensure that his disappointment is all on him if and when it occurs.

First of all, don’t lead him on. Don’t talk about your upcoming plans that won’t involve him. Don’t go on about how you wish more guys were like him. Don’t get involved in deep emotional conversations with lots of personal revelations. Stick to the “getting to know you” stuff and then the “getting to know you in the biblical sense” stuff.

Also, if the guy starts baring his soul, that is a warning sign. You may need to let slip that you aren’t looking for a serious relationship. It’s possible that this admission will scare him away, but in the long run it will prevent a lot of drama.

Then, if he contacts you later, be honest. Tell him you had fun (okay you should probably say that part no matter what, honesty be damned), but you’re not really looking for anything ongoing. If he starts asking what he did wrong, stick to your guns: what he is asking for is not what you want and you’re sorry he misunderstood.

There will still be guys who take your affections too seriously, but with a little due diligence, you can break a lot fewer hearts.

Nipple hairs: do you notice?

The lips and tongue are really sensitive.

I have been dating this guy for three weeks. He either a) doesn’t get a boner when we have sex, or b) loses it really fast. My initial reaction was that he just isn’t into me, so I brought it up to him and he swears up and down that he is and he just didn’t know why or what was going on. This has since happened three or four times and every time he is super embarassed. He is always telling me how hot, beautiful, gorgeous I am and how much he likes me. And I believe him. But this no boner thing is a problem. Could it be that he is just nervous? Or is he lying about being into me, and why would he do that? Last night it happened (or didn’t happen) and he was begging me to give him another chance and be patient with him. I really like this guy, but I need a hard dick. Any insight?

It sounds like he has been sucked into some sort of FLACCIDITY FEEDBACK LOOP. Erectile problems are related to stress and nerves, so my guess is that his initial flop made him self-conscious, and each successive downfall has only freaked him out more. The begging especially suggests major performance anxiety.

You need to calm this dude the fuck down! What can relax him enough to get over this hump depends on the dude, but I do have a few general ideas that might help.

Try removing the time pressure. Instead of a night out, then when you’re home IT’S TIME FOR SEX, try a night in or a camping trip or some other situation where you can do it any time.

Find activities that are sexy but don’t demand sex. Massages, cuddling while watching a movie, and shared showers are some situations that can but don’t have to lead to getting it on.

Make sure there’s no booze involved. I know this seems kind of silly and obvious but whiskey dick is a real thing with REAL CONSEQUENCES.

I guess the whole point is to get him in situations that are hot without putting pressure on him to perform. The idea being that he’ll stop thinking “oh my god oh my god why isn’t it cooperating” and just enjoy the moment. I’m pretty sure that once you have had a couple of successful boning sessions, his confidence will return and the problem will go away.

Finally, I really, really doubt that he is having trouble getting it up because he doesn’t like you.

Previously: Is Dancing Around While Holding a Beer Bottle Like It’s My Penis a Turn-off?

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?