BlogFrock: New Arrivals

by Tess Lynch

Did you have to close the ModCloth tab forever when you saw that they had something for sale called the A-doric-able Skirt? Would you still like to spend somewhere between forty and two hundred dollars on something that suggests a lifestyle at once whimsical and urban-grit, and that spans decades of fashion while at the same time being the opposite of timeless, but without looking at the word “a-doric-able”? BlogFrock is here to fill that deep and specific void, suggestively.

Labradoodle Mix Frock: $89.99
You awake on a beautiful spring morning to Roy Orbison on the radio, and as you collect your reusable bags and fill your ceramic to-go cup with organic fair trade coffee, you envision a world where the carefree past of sock hops and root beer floats meets the social consciousness of the nervous, possibly-apocalyptic present. You throw on a vintage cardi, ballet flats, and your new Labradoodle Mix Frock: winking into the mirror, you congratulate yourself on rescuing this party dress from euthanasia instead of contributing to shallow AKC breed standards. You leave the house and twirl in the sunshine, attracting many a vegan suitor’s gaze. “Cute mutt!” you hear a long-haired lad call from the fire escape. “She’s not a mutt,” you respond, “and that’s really derogatory.” You skip off down the street, wildflowers growing behind you.

Remembrance of Food Past Hat: $129.99
When you wear this chic hat from Brooklyn designers Street Food & Trash, you’ll be rewarded with recurring nostalgic visions of your most debauched evenings and dramatic culinary poisonings, like Proust’s madeleines dunked in Ipecac syrup from a vintage bottle! Spring break ‘94’s happy hour heartbreak, that time you had diverticulitis, and the bathroom of the Jupiter lounge in Portland are no longer at the back of your mind, they’re at the top of your head! Just hope they don’t end up back on the tip of your tongue. Cheeky!

Lieutenant Dan Jeans: $199.99
Not your grandma’s tight-fitting low-rises, these jeans are sure to get you on the treadmill, fatty, until just like Lieutenant Dan, you “ain’t got no legs”! Whereas the legions of sub-par skinny jeans that predated this advance in pant technology failed to say, “Hey world, I’ve got all sorts of body parts right here, check them out!” these pants will have your friends wondering where their butts are (drowning in fabric, girls, get a clue!). Using a special blend of sausage casings and spiderwebs, these glamrock beauties will tell your skin stories about the outside world, quiet as a whisper but breezy as all get out. You don’t have to go to war to lose your stems; it’s as easy as denying your body the nutrients it requires to sustain limb growth! WARNING: DO NOT TAKE CALCIUM SUPPLEMENTS OR INGEST DAIRY PRODUCTS WHILE WEARING THESE JEANS, AS THESE CAN ACCELERATE THE ACCUMULATION OF A THIN LAYER OF CALCIUM OVER YOUR SKELETON THAT WILL PREVENT THE GARMENT FROM BEING REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY. IN THE EVENT THAT THE GARMENT CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY, RETURN YOURSELF IN THE GARMENT TO OUR HQ: 4171 HIGHWAY 49, INDUSTRIAL CITY CA C/O URGENT.

$2.50 Shirt: $49.99
You stroll through the vintage store, thumbing the hangers on the racks. Those shirts are so soft. Mmm. Just breathe that in, that thrifty must: it’s delicious. You find a buried treasure: a cotton-poly blend with an ironic saying emblazoned across the front of its slightly-worn fabric; you smile as you bring it to the cash register, only to become enraged when you spy the tag: a second-hand fake vintage shirt from last year!? You shake your head and leave the store, disgusted, wondering what fashion-forward 13-year-olds in Paris are wearing to appear bohemian and bargain-bin. Here is your answer, straight from the runways: a shirt that declares its price, in an ironic — nay, dishonest — way, boldly insisting that it cost less than a fancy latte. It doesn’t, of course, but that’s the point: nothing really costs what it costs, does it? You amble through the Lower East Side with a scowl, and thank your chic shirt for asking you such nihilistic questions. But who cares?

Tess Lynch is a writer and actor living in LA and the noosphere, simultaneously.