What are Women’s Magazines Like in Bed?
by Diana Vilibert
Jessica Probus at The Rumpus recently asked, “what would it be like to sleep with a book?” Her answers — along with what the commenters came up with — are pretty genius (“You don’t fuck The Fountainhead, The Fountainhead fucks you”). So I put on my Carrie Bradshaw hat — it’s like this little top hat? With a mask of her face attached to it? It’s a literal hat, I mean it — and wondered: What would it be like to sleep with a magazine?
Cosmopolitan
You meet at a “lounge” or a singles mixer or sometimes a friend of a friend’s carefully curated dinner party. You have a feeling you’ve met before. You sleep together on the third date and they keep a cup of ice cubes, a silk handkerchief, and a book of Kama Sutra positions on their nightstand. A little heavy-handed, but you go with it. Much attention paid to the balls and the general ball area. You feel self-conscious the entire time. You go on a diet in the morning.
Marie Claire
They joke about making it a quickie so that you don’t miss The Daily Show, but then you’re kind of not sure if you’re joking? They have an adult bed with a headboard, and you spend a lot of time at their place because your futon is lumpy. You do that thing you don’t usually do. They boss you around a little and you like it.
Nylon
You like the idea of them. They’re cooler than the last person you dated. They’re cooler than you. You keep most of your clothes on and you’re still a little drunk in the morning, but not hungover. They still booty-call you once in a while, but it’s always really late when you’re already in bed.
Vogue
You’re really flattered. They’re probably the hottest person you’ve ever slept with. Neither of you gets off.
Glamour
They kind of remind you of the person you lost your virginity to. You have sex with the lights on. It feels awkward to cuddle, so you end up lying next to each other with your arms at your sides until it seems like enough time has passed that you can pretend you need to go pee. They always have condoms on them, but like, one of those giant economy packs, which is kind of weird so you try not to think about it. Where do you even buy those? I mean, really.
Jane
The first time you do it in your car while Liz Phair’s Exile in Guyville blasts from the speaker that’s not broken. You thought you were just having fun, but in the middle of it you look at them and fall in love a little. You become friends with benefits until you get too needy and they slip out the door while you’re taking a shower one morning without saying bye.
What are your favorite ladymags like in bed? What are we like? OK, we know we’re great, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to say it once in a while.
Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn.