Face Moles, “Perfection,” and Shifting Dynamics

by A Lady

SO, I have kind of an issue. I think I have a pretty decent face, well I’ve been told I have a pretty decent face, but I can’t seem to keep a guy long enough to actually DO anything, if you know what I mean. I think its because of this super awkward mole I have, I don’t want to say exactly where it is, so I’ll leave that up to you to decide. But I think its really putting guys off. I mean I keep everything else in that general area pretty well kept, but its like the moment they see it they just lose all interest. I honestly don’t know what to do about this mole. I don’t really have the money to get rid right now, and I’ve tried covering it with makeup but that doesn’t work, THEY STILL SEE IT. Do you have any advice on what I should do? Am I just dating the wrong guys, are there guys out there that won’t mind my creepy mole???

Hm. To answer your last question, yes there are absolutely, definitely guys out there who won’t mind your mole. But, to answer your second-to-last question (what you should do), if it’s bothering you, I think you should get it removed. Put it on a credit card. Borrow money. Start a … Kickstarter? This might not be the most popular answer, but you only get one face, and if there’s something on it that’s negatively affecting your happiness and that’s relatively easy to change, I’d vote for getting scrappy and creative about making it happen. Because there’s dozens of years to make and lose money, but you only get one face, one youth. And once you get a mole removed, it’s not like if the money thing becomes an issue, the doctors have to sew it back onto your face. Once it’s gone it’s gone, and you can figure the rest out later. (I say this as someone who’s had elective plastic surgery in the past — mole-removal, in fact!) And you should be able to get it done for less than $500 (possibly much less), depending on where you live and what doctor you choose.

That being said, some people feel lost without their facial moles, because facial moles are awesome. And I wish I knew how old you were, too — you sound fairly young, and like perhaps you haven’t given the world a chance to fall in love with your awesome mole yet. The prettiest girl in my high school had one on her upper lip, and she had these stories about people telling her she had “some stuff” on her face, and her being like, “no, that’s my mole,” which I loved and still sort of weirdly hold close to my heart, because at the time it meant the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen also had moments when people implied her appearance was anything less than perfect at all times. And the mole made her so much more beautiful, too. (See also: gorgeous celebrities with moles.)

So, if you really know you don’t like it, spend money you don’t have to get it removed. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Will family members help you out? If you’re not sure, keep it — it’s part of your body, and your body is great. Worthwhile guys will absolutely be down. This has been … a non-answer that’s hopefully also either answer you want. Because both are good and doable.

I recently met someone who is involved in an open relationship. I do genuinely like him and think he’s a kind-hearted person. However, I do not want to develop romantic feelings for him or end up feeling like a martyr mistress. I really find the idea of NSA sex appealing and we are VERY sexually compatible. I’m focused on my career/personal development and haven’t been looking for a relationship since my last one ended nearly a year ago. He’s assured me that I have a right to inquire about his “situation” and encourages my desire to protect myself from harm. We’re using protection, of course. I am a bit concerned that they have this agreement but don’t discuss their outside activities with each other (at all). I’ve done a bit of research into the concept but it all seems to be geared toward the couple and not the outsider.

My questions for the infinitely wise Hairpin are: how do I keep my own best interests protected in this situation? Is this crazy? How do I steel myself against FEELINGS? Should I walk away before I feel like running?

Yes, walk away before you feel like running. Here are some comfortable shoes. I’ll even walk with you. Plus there’s a delicious picnic set up in the park at the end. With mimosas and lawn games and … lutes and animal topiaries? And [anything/everything else that makes walking sound appealing to you].

I have a friend in a similar position right now, except she’s gone full-on feelings for this guy, and it’s not pretty. It’s hard to listen to her talk about “guy this” and “guy that” and “guy’s wife this” and “guy’s wife that,” endlessly, because it’s like, “why are you doing this? Why do you KEEP doing this? Why did you just spend (and why do you keep spending!) years with this goon? Have you forgotten what normal relationships are like?!” I’m going to say to you what I wish I could (and may still) say to her: what if your father knew his daughter was happy to be some guy’s second-best? Which is maybe a little ugly — and the same thing goes for your mother, if either of them are still around — but somehow that thought brings it home for me. Eroding pride in one quadrant of your life starts to make it crumble everywhere. I know it’s easier said than done, and the heart is soft and strange, but just because things are hard doesn’t mean they’re impossible. Or not worthwhile.

There are definitely ways to do NSA sex, but I’d recommend finding someone where you’re of equal priority to each other. As in, don’t be someone’s second best when they’re your first best, if that makes sense. At the very least, be each other’s mutual second-bests. That might actually be kind of perfect if NSA is what you’re after.

I met my boyfriend at work, and we’ve been dating since October. He’s been working at this company for a little over a year, while I’ve been there for a little more than six months. We had the same job and just got promoted to be supervisors. He’s been acting weird to me ever since. I could sense something was up, so I tried to get him to talk to me, but he just kept saying there was nothing to worry about and he was just in one of his moods. I know he’s upset that I got promoted so soon, but he’s being weird and distant and won’t be straightforward. It’s making me like … regret that I got promoted, I haven’t even told my parents. Do I just drop it until he comes around, or should we talk about it? I really love him, but I feel like he’s going to hold this against me.

Oh man, I feel you. A lot of seemingly awesome relationships can’t survive the First Dynamic Shift, because often it’s just something you can’t test for (right? Unless someone actually has developed a test for this, in which case please let us know). (Also I recommend the awesome piece on Jennifer Westfeldt that touches on how she and Jon Hamm have maintained a shifting-dynamic relationship for 14 years.) That’s not to say your relationship won’t survive the first dynamic shift, but the only way to successfully ride it out is to talk about it — to strip it down to the mattress and box spring, and put the sheets back on carefully. It’s not the sexiest thing to do (“is this a period stain? I thought you said you treated that”), but it’s the only way that doesn’t create a lot of lingering, festering resentments. So: that was a maybe unnecessarily elaborate bed-ridden-menstrual-patient metaphor.

The other way to counter it is by being SUPER submissive in bed! Heyyy, onlysortofkidding.

No, but maybe try something like this: “[Dude’s name], okay this is a little awkward, and obviously correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression it’s been weird for you that we both got promoted at the same time. I get that, and would probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed, and even by bringing it up right now I feel weird, but I just figured it’s better to err on the side of being over-honest about anything that seems to be a Thing rather than staying quiet. Is it that you want me to take off the blue ‘First Place’ ribbon I’ve pinned through the bare flesh of my left breast? Because I can do that, at least on weeknights to start.”

So, yes. Talk to him about it. It’s good to talk about everything, as far as precedent-setting goes, and these are especially important waters to navigate correctly the first time around. Also, congratulations!

So, I’ve known this guy for over a year now, and from the beginning there was a crazy connection. We’d both been in serious relationships and weren’t looking for commitment, but there was something undeniable between us which kept us coming back for more and more, and we’ve honestly enjoyed every minute spent together. (And this isn’t just my perspective; we’ve had serious conversations about our deep compatibility and the fact that we’re oddly never tired of each other.)

This whole time, we’ve never put any labels or restrictions on our relationship; we’ve actually done the opposite by discussing many times the fact that we’re both free to do whatever we want with whomever we want, whenever we want … it just so happens that most times, it’s been with each other. However, a problem has recently surfaced. I love him, but he can’t love me because my body isn’t “perfect.” On the level of compatibility, intellect, interests, conversation, personality, life, sex, well, everything else, we were made for each other, but although “I have a pretty face,” I don’t have the supermodel body … Realistically, I know that I am healthy, and actually normal-to-small sized, but I also recognize that there’s always room for improvement. I know it seems ridiculous that I would even want to continue a friendship with someone so seemingly shallow, but I still truly believe that we are meant to be, and if it’s in my power to make it possible by going easy on the bread and adding an extra session at the gym, that would be worth it to me. Plus, I have faith in him that even though he thinks he is this superficial, deep down he knows what is really important. Am I insane? What do I do?

Oh no. He told you the reason he can’t be in a relationship with you is because your body “isn’t perfect”? His quote? Ahh, this is hard, because the knee-jerk in these fun and sometimes helpful but admittedly reductive advice columns is to be like “he sucks, NEXT, girl you’re perfect,” which is what’s happening now. Except I do believe you that the two of you have a weird, intense, rare thing going on. And rare things are rare for a reason — because they’re unusual and great and lovely and often difficult, too.

So maybe if the two of you are really young, and he just doesn’t know how to talk to people … ? Hm. I’m scrambling to think of a way this could be anything other than “ditch him and don’t look back.” But, ditch him and don’t look back. He’s not worth your time. There’s no such thing as an objectively perfect body, either, and to believe so (and SAY so, ugh!) is so wrong it’s almost … darkly funny. Poor guy. Hopefully he’ll figure things out someday — for himself — but in the meantime it sounds like he’s in for many years of maybe not being too happy.

A tangent: I know I don’t speak for everyone, but I once dated a dude whose body type wasn’t the one I’m usually attracted to, and it mattered not in the slightest. At all. For even a second. And I’m a pretty superficial woman! I liked all of him because it was HIM, and I liked him. And he was hot. There was no mind/body separation — his body WAS him, and he was his body, and ideas about what “my type” was just disappeared. I even tried envisioning him with a body type more like the guys I usually date, and it was weird and unappealing. Seriously. So, people are entire packages. When you really connect with one, they can’t be reduced to parts, and if the reason he doesn’t want to date you is because he’s reduced you to parts, and one part doesn’t fit in whatever slot he’s forced his head to create, then … in three years you’ll look back on this and say, “WAIT, LISTEN TO THIS ONE” while swapping stories at brunch with friends. As in, it seems like a problem now, but it will soon be … darkly funny, maybe. Hopefully.

(And as far as I can tell, there’s no such thing as “meant to be.”)

Previously: Playing House, Cutting Ties, and Being Alone.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady? (300-word max, please.)

Photo by Chiyacat, via Shutterstock