Interviewed by Five-Year-Olds

By The Hairpin March 15, 2011

by Allison H.

At the kindergarten where I student-teach, we’ve been focusing on asking questions that lead to multiple-word answers, and the students love to practice this on me all day.

Student: Are you Justin Bieber?
Me: No.
Student: Are you Justin Bieber’s cousin?
Me: No.
Student: But, “Baby, baby, baby, oh?”
Me: Nope. I promise I am not related to Justin Bieber.
Student: Are you married?
Me: No.
Student: Why aren’t you married?
Me: [Because I am a lesbian.] (not actually said)
Student: Why are you so little?
Me: Because my mother let me start drinking coffee when I was your age. And genetics.
Student: Do you like my picture?
Me: Can you ask a better question?
Student: Do you like my picture I drew of a goat eating tacos and why do you like it or not?
Me: Yeah, it rules.
Student: Did you know that sometimes it’s better to be both?
Me: What do you mean?
Student: Like, some people are just a boy or just a girl, but I am both. At the same time.
Me: Tell me more.
Student: I mean this as a spiritual thing. My mama told me so!
Me: That’s awesome. I studied that in college, so I think I understand!
Student: I feel it coming. The best question that anyone in the world has ever asked. I wanna ask, what is your favorite thing about teaching us math and do you buy your clothes from Hollywood and are you iCarly and when do you wake up in the morning and who is your brother and what does your cat eat?
Me: Everyhing, no, no, 6:00, Andy H., and Science Diet for indoor cats.