Which Character From Slow TV’s “National Knitting Night” Are You?

The answer may take you eight hours to find out

For those unfamiliar with the television concept Slow TV (produced by the Norwegian Broadcasting Company, now distributed by Netflix), please set aside seven to eleven hours of your valuable time to get on board and then come back and continue reading.

For those of you already in the know of the hottest and slowest (sort of like lava!) television show to ever grace the boob tube, here is where you can finally figure out which character from you are from Slow TV’s “National Knitting Night.” And for the first batch of you that went to investigate what the show was, realized I was not kidding when I said seven to eleven hours of minimally edited footage, but decided to return to this article to figure out what on earth something like that is doing on air, welcome back.

A quick review: Slow TV is God striving to achieve equilibrium from all of our obsessive consumption of grossly edited-for-drama reality shows. It is the antithesis of, say, “Gilmore Girls” dialogue, and moves at the pace of your last friend getting her shit together before you head to the bar. It is in every way infuriating while also the most zen program to exist; an anachronism in a world addicted to efficiency. But most importantly, Slow TV is very, very nice to watch. Perhaps that is because knitting soothes the weary soul, or that the production company, DRG, has the logo: a nice company.

“National Knitting Night” documents eight and a half unbelievable hours of a group of outstandingly plain Norwegian women working together to break the world record for stitching an entire sweater from shearing the sheep to snuggling up in newly knit garment. As you watch, captivated by hours of silent purling, your mind wanders to the compulsory question of the BuzzFeed age: Which Character Am I?

The Host

Enthusiastic, supportive, and with a great sense of humor. If you identify as the host you in turn identify as the Ellen of your homeland. You are also very nice.

Magda Handeland, Spinner

All you Magdas out there enjoy the simple things in life. You don’t have time for frivolousness. You work towards your goals, like knitting a sweater in under 4 hours, without abandon. That brings you peace. You are very nice.

Hege, The Team Manager

Without a doubt, Hege is the Regina George of the show and if you identify with her, you are a natural born leader. While you sometimes come across a bit snooty and not nice, you are very nice.

Rolph, Sheep Shearer, Man Servant

If there is one thing we’ve learned in seven hours of knitting, the perfect man, Rolph, is “far from single” and is raising six beautiful children. If you enjoy shearing sheep, handing out hotdogs, and giving back massages, you might just be a Rolph. Rolphs tend to be very nice men.

Torunn, Witness

Out of your group of friends, are you the one who participates the least and just hangs around to act as a witness in case a world record is broken? If so, sounds like you’re a shoe-in for being a Torunn. Like Torunn, you enjoy minimal knitting and seem nice.

Sandra Herøy, Spinner

Sandra is a woman with options, but that does mean she is a very busy woman. If you’ve ever found yourself choosing between not being social, and barely interacting with society on the lowest level, you are probably a Sandra. Sandras are notoriously nice.

Kristi’s Spinning Foots

Undoubtedly the most precious character in all of Slow TV’s National Knitting Night are Kristi’s adorable and toasty lil’ snookums! All the cuties out there, the munchkins, and babydolls are probably Kristi’s nice spinning feet.

Vigdis Valde Frekhaug, Spinner

If you’re at a stage in your life where you feel the need to reinvent yourself, you’re likely a Vigdis. She seems like a mom who has managed to get some time to herself to make her dreams come true. I also think she seems very very nice.

Guri, The Sheep

All the Guris out there know what it is like to be the one your crew depends on. Despite having an ambiguous lesbian sheep lover, you know when you have to leave the house to go work. It ain’t a party without Guris! At the end of the day, Guris are incredibly nice.