Ask a Lady, Special Edition

by A Lady

So this question is about lady-to-lady responsibility. I was in a very abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend until about a year ago. It started out little with snapping at me and controlling me and other such things and eventually progressed to severe verbal and emotional abuse, then physical abuse (pinning me down, then throwing not-light objects at my head, then kicking me, then punching me in the face). We lived together and I got it together and move out and move on. I never pressed charges for anything, though once I did call the cops.

Anyway, that’s all behind me. This man is still in my life, though, because he’s friends with my best friend’s fiance (which is how we met). My friend’s fiance has known my ex for 13 years and knew of similar instances happening with my ex, though did not take them seriously and only informed me of these instances once I was out of the relationship. I don’t know if I would have taken him seriously if I’d been warned, and I don’t think he knew the extent of what my ex was capable of anyway. So the point: My ex has a new girlfriend. I met her at an engagement party briefly, I would not feel comfortable reaching out to her myself, but I feel like maybe she should have all the facts about this person. My best friend isn’t close with her, though I think she may be the right impartial party to say something if it should be said.

Basically, I do not want to be that girl who “warns” another girl about an ex and seem insane or whatever, and I was going to drop it but I question what my responsibility is with this. It’s not my problem, I don’t want to get involved, but I have this nagging feeling of guilt. Thoughts?

Oh, mama. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through any of that and am so glad that you’re in a safer, healthier place now. Also, I am going to make up names for all these people because it is a little confusing. So for our purposes here, your ex is Xavier. Your best friend is Bessy (BESSY? BESTIE? GET IT?). Her fiance is Finn. The new girlfriend is Gidget. And you? You’re a survivor, lady, so I’m going to call you Susan. (I love alliteration and assonance, y’all.)

There are a couple givens that we have to work from here: First, nothing you say or do can convince Gidget of the truth. You can’t MAKE her see or understand, because deep denial on the part of the abused and obfuscation on the part of the abuser is how abuse works. So making sure she understands wouldn’t be your goal. Second, it is really important that the supporting players, Bessy the Bestie and Finn the Fiance, believe you and your story. I’m a little concerned about Finn. Does he see his bro Xavier differently now that you’ve told him YOUR story? Or does he continue to be complicit in supporting and defending an abuser? What does Bessy think? What has she told him? Because I would be worried about, frankly, your safety and health AS WELL AS Gidget’s if the message that gets to Gidget (and then, inevitably, back to Xavier) is that “you say you were abused and isn’t that crazy?” Xavier will go berserk on both of you. He may hurt one of you. I am not kidding.

So the question is, is there a way to let Gidget know about these stories safely, so that, even if she doesn’t believe them at the time (and I doubt she will), she will know later, when she is being made to feel crazy and unstable, that other people know and see? I believe that there is, but it requires a third condition: that Bessy and Finn are on the same page, that they both agree that this needs to be done, and that they understand Xavier has a serious problem that Gidget may need protection from or information about. If they aren’t, this could go really badly for you and Gidget, and I don’t think you can do anything about it. (All I can think of are super-stealth lateral moves that are so dependent on context that I’m not comfortable suggesting them here, to a general audience.) You and Bessy might be able to make yourselves available to Gidget later, when the abuse is happening, but it’s not safe for you or B. to do anything now under such a circumstance. And that is terrible, and I am sorry. I am so sorry.

IF Bessy and Finn are on the same page and are prepared to act together — she talks to Gidget, he backs them both up with Xavier — then I think the three of you may be able to do something without jeopardizing anyone’s safety. Bessy probably can’t say to Gidget, “Girl, he’s an abuser. Don’t date him.” All this will do is throw up a million of her defenses, send her to her boyfriend to complain about Bessy and Finn, and, in the long run, cut her off from support. Gidget will not believe the stories. So Bessy needs to find a way to make herself available, knowing that Gidget is going to make her own decisions, even if they’re bad ones, but might want to reach out in the future. So it would be something as simple as Bessy saying to Gidget, in private, where no one else is around (except, possibly, Finn), something sort of vague and non-threatening like, “You know, Gidget, Susan sometimes had a really hard time working things out with Xavier, and if you ever want to talk to me about it you totally can.” That’s about it. If Gidget seems defensive, downplay. If she wants to change the subject, let her. And then, heartbreakingly, hope for the best. (And see if Finn will talk to his bro Xavier about his responsibility to change his behavior.)

Good luck, and be safe, and so much love to you for all your courage.

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