‘Songs About Man-Having’ — A Playlist

When I was twelve years old I had never kissed a boy. In fact, the closest I’d come to romance was a short-lived instant messenger flirtation with a classmate named Phil for whom I ‘had a total boner’. If the transcripts of those conversations still existed, I’d be able to prove that I tried to impress him by telling him that I rollerbladed. Passionately. And not just regular rollerblading, either. I told him that I offroad rollerbladed (a lie), and that it was an emerging extreme sport (also a lie), and that I was one of the best in this underground ring of athletes.

Needless to say, my real life experience in matters of the heart was limited — but man oh man did I have some opinions. Friends called from far and wide to ask me how to end things with the guy they’d been going out with since third period, and because I had no wisdom of my own to draw upon, I deferred to the wisdom of my elders.

Without further ado: The things I learned about man-having through 90’s and early-00’s popular music.

Song: Eve — “Gotta Man”
Lesson: The key to man-having is loving him whether you’re riding in a “Bentley or the Number 2 bus.” Sometimes this means pawning your diamond bracelet so your man can make bail and treat you to a romantic rooftop dinner.

Song: Sheryl Crow — “Strong Enough”
Lesson: It is okay if your man lies to you about how strong he is, as long as he doesn’t leave! Please don’t leave!

Song: Nivea — “Don’t Mess with My Man”
Lesson: This is my man and not your man. He is mine because he is mine. And he is not yours because he is mine.

Song: Toni Braxton — “You’re Makin’ Me High”
Lesson: You will know a man is right for you when he rubs a candied apple on your leg while you soak in a bathtub made out of cotton candy. If he does not do this, send him back to the lobby with the rest of the male escorts.

Song: Brandy and Monica — “The Boy is Mine”
Lesson: When your man is Mekhai Pfeiffer and he is also dating your neighbor, you need to join forces in order to show him what’s up. Your neighbor with the bindi is not the enemy, your cheating man is.

Song: Lauryn Hill — “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Lesson: If your man wants you to chemically straighten your hair and wear fake nails, kick him to the curb. “Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem.”

Song: Mya — “Case of the Ex”
Lesson: When your man gives you a brand new Benz, his ex-girlfriend is going to pop out of the woodwork and try to get him back. Just remind him that they didn’t work out for a reason, and that they didn’t have no kids.

photo via flickr