Beauty Q&A: Shortcuts and Magic Tricks

The idea of taking a beauty shortcut fills me with anxiety and fear. Why? Maybe because I live in the same city as supermodels and housewives with live-in stylists? The convenience of cutting a corner never outweighs the frustration and regret I feel seeing that chick across from me on the subway who totally nailed it simply because she got up 15 minutes earlier than I did. Argh!!! Breathe, Jane. Breathe. I understand not everyone feels this way, thank god, and that we have widely varying tastes and priorities, which is what makes us all weird and interesting individuals. I also know that feeling like you’ve put your best self out there, especially in terms of the superficial things that are completely under our control, bolsters confidence and puts a little kick in your step. OK, so, anyway, I hesitate to encourage you to do anything halfway, which means I approached this more like one of those “if you had to” kind of challenges. Looking forward to comments!

Could you answer/explore/riff upon the best way to ditch makeup altogether? Like, what products would you use for optimal glowy skin, or what moisturizer/bronzer combo would best create a freshly dewy look that technically didn’t involve foundation? I’m dying for a minimal-effort look, even if it’s just for getting Saturday morning coffee or whatever so you don’t look super-crusty/super-made-up/or the awful just-woke-up sorta-made-up-but-badly-cause-you’re-hungover.

This answer is probably not what you were hoping for, but it will help you get what you want, so bear with me. I know you said no foundation, but I firmly believe foundation is key to the minimal makeup look. Just pretend it’s lotion! It smooths out rough edges and just makes you look bright and refreshed, and if you have the right one it shouldn’t be detectable. For a foundation that doesn’t remind you of foundation, try a tinted moisturizer like Laura Mercier’s or Stila’s. Once you apply the right foundation, the rest of this look is a breeze. Get a Nars Multiple! It’s designed to be applied to your cheeks, lips, and eyes, adding a subtle glowy tint — how easy does that sound? Then a little mascara and you’re done. The other morning the man and I were just waking up, and I sent him to the store for breakfast ingredients. While he was gone, I put on foundation (I swear by Makeup For Ever HD Invisible Cover Foundation), The Mulitple in Portofino, and mascara — which is half of what I usually wear. When we sat down to eat he gazed across the table and said, “You look so beautiful and you’re not even wearing makeup.” Sucker. (I’m sure he loves me without makeup. If only there were a way to find out! Haha …) Have fun being the most naturally gorgeous girl at the coffee shop!

What’s the deal with eye creams? Do I really need a dedicated eye cream, or is rubbing my normal moisturizer under my eyes effective enough? Is it really true that under-eye skin is so thin that normal lotion can’t “penetrate” it? Also, if I do need an eye cream and I’m in my late 20s with just the beginnings of fine lines, which do I use?

I have two answers for you! 1) I think eye cream is a really good idea, and I happen to have recently been gifted one that I pretty much love. It’s from Korres, and it’s expensive, but you hardly use any product so it lasts a while. (According to reviews one downside is when the pump stops pumping there’s still a significant amount of product left in the bottle, so just open it up and find a lot more to fish out with Q-tips.) I like the consistency of this one, kind of like a serum so not too heavy, plus it smells really fresh and springy, which makes me feel bright-eyed and awake. Answer 2) Are you using Retin-A? I guess that wasn’t an answer. Anyway, if you can get your hands on some, a teeensy little bit mixed in with your eye treatment every other day is the only real, true, actual, verified cure for fine lines and wrinkles. As long as you don’t slather it on morning and night, it’s fine for the eye area. Basically, Retin-A is a miracle and now comes in incredibly low doses. And a tube of it lasts forever, so if you can afford the hundred or so bucks a year, all your prayers will be answered. (Prayers that have to do with your eyes.)

Am I dreaming if I expect to find lip color (or an application technique) that, no bullshit, lasts all day, even after eating, drinking, and maybe oral sex? I’ve tried all of the “long wear” formulas, drug store and high end, but I still literally have to reapply every hour or so, which makes me feel way too obsessive about my face. I’ve also tried: lip stains, using a lip brush to apply, layering with primer or liner, and “setting” with powder. No dice. I hope you have an answer!

You’re kind of dreaming. One drugstore product that I’ve tried called Lip Chic does keep your lipstick on forever in a violent way, but I HATE how it makes my lips feel. It’s like putting superglue over your lipstick. So, that product aside, I think reapplying every hour sounds like too often, but would you settle for every two hours? Oh, and none of this applies to lip gloss. You will never win this battle with lip gloss. Anyway, my favorite lipsticks are from Shu Uemura and tend to last around two hours without needing to be touched up. A quick Googling showed that shea butter, rather than wax or oil, is in the base, so maybe that’s why, but who the hell knows? I’m not a scientist. I have tried many stains, and what I find ends up happening is they’re so drying I put on gloss or lip balm, and then they fade faster so what’s even the point? So yeah, my advice is to invest in some high-end lipstick and be OK with checking it in a mirror every once in a while. Just follow the rule of never touching up your makeup at the dinner table and no one will be the wiser.

I would like you to show me and other devoted Hairpin readers How to Be a Girl when it’s 8:15 a.m. on a Tuesday, the boyfriend and I have decided to forego our typical morning grooming regiments in order to enjoy a little P in V, and I have approximately six minutes to get out the door to get to work. I’m ordinarily the morning shower/makeup/blow-out type, but I need a solution for days when there’s just not an opportunity to have freshly laundered hair. And by solution, I mean something other than an office-inappropriately messy bun, which is what I’ve been rocking a lot lately. My hair is fairly long, straight, thin, and gets oily pretty quickly.

I love a messy bun, but you really do need to have everything else pretty nicely pulled together in order to rock it at the office. OK, first you need a ponytail holder, bobby pins, dry shampoo and a comb on you at all times. Have you tried putting your hair in a high ponytail, braiding it, and then pinning it into a bun? This only takes a minute longer but will save you embarrassing “did she just get smushed and not bother to shower?” looks at Dunkin’s. You could also do a quick half-up style by teasing your hair at the crown and then pulling the sides back and pinning where they meet back behind your ears. This takes practice but the result is very Brigitte Bardot-y and works at work. I also cannot ever ever stress enough EVER the amazing magical wonders of dry shampoo. It will get rid of oiliness, prevent further oiliness, and add some grip when you’re backcombing. And lastly, as your girlfriend who loves you: Be careful with this line of thinking! Yes, P in V is crucial to your relationship, but so is not looking like a hot mess when you head out the door in the morning. I think if you asked a room full of people “Would you rather sleep in 10 more minutes, then bone your partner, and then send them to work looking kinda jacked up, or would you rather not sleep in, bone your partner a little earlier, and have them look smokin’ hot all day?” Well, you get it.

Previously: Thin Lips, Mustaches, and the Lip Gloss Missing Link.

Jane Feltes produces the radio program “This American Life,” and no makeup companies pay her to say any of this. Do you have a question for Jane?