Flirting, Unqueering, and Lesbian Porn vs. Lesbian Porn

by A Queer Chick

I am a queer lady and I’m engaged to a very nice heterosexual man. We’ve been together for five years and he is fully aware of my queerdom and super happy and supportive in a non-oppressive-voyeuristic “I like girl-on-girl” kind of way. I don’t think my relationship unqueers me, but do other people? Does the LGBTQ crew hate me for still trying to claim a spot in the rainbow?

No, your relationship does not void your queer membership card. As I mentioned in a previous column, sexual orientation is based on desire, not what you do about it. A heterosexual virgin is still straight, and a bisexual person in a monogamous relationship is still bi. If you still check out ladies, you’re still queer, whether or not you ever eat pussy again. But that wasn’t exactly what you asked — you wanted to know what other people think about your orientation. So I’ll be honest with you: Some LGBTQ folks might get a little irritated if you spend too much time loudly and adamantly proclaiming your still-queer status.

Obviously, we all get to define our own identities based on who we are deep down inside, and who we want deep inside us. Anyone who claims that being engaged to a dude makes you 100% hetero is a total jackass, and you should ignore them. No one has the right to tell you who you are. That being said, take a moment to see it from your fellow queers’ point of view. You’re engaged. You’re getting married. Your significant other will be able to visit you in the hospital if you get sick, and inherit all your stuff if you die. You can walk down the street holding hands with your lover and people probably won’t follow you yelling obscenities or threats. All of that is fantastic, obviously, and I’m really happy for you. But a lot of the people with whom you’re sharing the rainbow are not quite so lucky.

Being in a heterosexual relationship — especially a heterosexual marriage — comes with certain attached privileges. Even if you’re not completely straight, you are passing for straight in the eyes of the law, and no matter what you’ve been through in the past, from this point on your experience is going to diverge widely from the experiences of most of the queer community. Which means, as you’ve no doubt already figured out, that you are going to encounter some jealousy. And some queers — some insecure, petty queers — are going to voice that jealousy as resentment, and as refusal to accept your not-actually-all-that-straight identity.

I cannot stress enough that those people are total jackasses, and you should not feel in any way obligated to listen to them. Homos who have their shit together will not blame you for the discrimination that they experience, unless you are John Boehner or somebody. Anybody who takes issue with your own personal identity is not someone you need to waste your time associating with.

But if your queer friends respond to news of your engagement with a few under-their-breath comments about Katy Perry fans and LUGs, maybe find it in your heart to sympathize with them a little. It’s awesome that you get to marry your lover. It’s massively unfair that they don’t. Let them know that you know that, and show your support for the people who don’t have the same privileges you do (nothing says “I’m still queer” like asking for donations to Lambda Legal as wedding gifts — I’m just sayin’). The best way for you to earn that spot in the rainbow is to continue to work for the rights of everyone in it.

When my lesbian friends and I are discussing our porn habits they are adamant that my “lesbian” porn is in fact not lesbian porn … it is straight porn with two or more girls. I am confused by this. What exactly constitutes actual lesbian porn?

In my professional opinion, girl-on-girl porn is not actually lesbian porn unless it more or less accurately portrays the way real lesbians have sex. Furthermore, actual lesbian porn is made with actual lesbian viewers in mind. In all likelihood, unless you’re actively looking outside the mainstream, the “lesbian” porn you’re watching was made for dudes, by dudes. That means it’s straight porn, even if no actual men were boned in the process of making it.

Here is a handy guide to figuring out whether you’re watching lesbian porn, or girl-on-girl porn for dudes:

If anyone involved has inch-long fake nails, it’s for dudes. Dykes cringe and cover their eyes when they see that nonsense. No one who actually owns and operates a vagina is going to enjoy watching some poor girl getting fingered by Edwina Scissorhands. Seriously, how do you allow anything that pointy up in your business?

If the girl eating pussy is keeping her face three inches away from the pussy in question, making contact only with the very tip of her tongue, it’s for dudes. The same goes for kissing and nipple-sucking: If the primary purpose of the activity seems to be “hey, look how far I can stick my tongue out,” dykes are not the intended audience; men are.

This goes approximately quadruple for scenes of slapping, yanking on, or otherwise manhandling the labia (unless maybe it’s in a BDSM context). Would you do that to a lady’s bits? No? Then ladies, who are fairly familiar with their own bits, are not doing it to each other OR getting off watching it. (And if a straight guy wants to explain to me what’s hot about that, I am all ears. The hell, gentlemen?)

Finally, is there a butch somewhere in the shot? I’m not saying lesbian erotica HAS to have a butch — plenty of queers (certainly plenty of queers writing this column) enjoy themselves some femme-on-femme action — but if there’s a butch in front of the camera, you can rest assured there was not a straight dude behind it. If any of the participants has a crew cut, tattooed biceps, unshaven legs, and a strap-on that makes you seriously nervous, you are watching bona fide dyke porn. And if that chick with the crew cut arrived on a motorcycle, you should send me the URL.

I am wondering your opinion on straight girls making out for attention. My friends and I get into heated debates about this not only from a feminist standpoint but from a LGBT standpoint, too. I’m on the side that unless you actually enjoying eating pussy you shouldn’t pretend just to get a guy into bed. Am I being a total stick in the mud and should leave these attention seekers alone, or do I have ground to stand on?

This kind of behavior has become rampant in the past few years, and it’s really kind of gross. By reducing lesbian sexuality to a cheap seduction tactic, the equivalent of tying a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, girls who act this way are undermining the legitimacy of real queer women’s relationships. Not only that, but co-opting someone else’s identity because you think it will make you more interesting — when you’ve never had to deal with the hardships that come with actually living that identity — just makes you look selfish and shallow. Queer chicks everywhere would like straight chicks to kindly knock it off already. That is, unless you are really hot, and you want to make out with us.

So I have a question that’s been a real problem for me for some time; I’m a bisexual cisgender chick who most people find attractive and fun but I CANNOT talk to girls. I have no problem enticing guys (let’s face it, guys are easy) but when I try to talk to a girl I find attractive I get all awkward and shy. As a consequence I’ve pretty much stuck to hetero relationships, and it’s starting to really bother me that I’ve basically ignored an entire facet of my sexuality. That being said, I have no clue where to begin. Do you have any tips for me on how to start flirting with girls (and how to find out if a girl I like is even into girls at all)?

You want to know something incredibly awesome? Girls are easy, too. Everything you know about boys that makes you feel so confident around them — they’re desperate to get laid, they have no clue what they’re doing in romantic or sexual situations, they’re a little intimidated by your hotness but in a good way — is also, by and large, true about girls. Pretty much everyone is just stumbling through the world hoping against hope that somebody will want to see them naked.

Start flirting with a lady the same way you would with a dude. Introduce yourself, talk about things you have in common, tell her about yourself, show genuine interest when she talks about herself. Make eye contact. Come up with an excuse to touch her. Etc., etc., you know all this stuff. You’re just getting psyched out about your lack of Sapphic experience, but I’m telling you, up until the pants come off the moves are pretty much the same. (And when the pants do come off, well, you have one, you know how it works.) As far as figuring out if she likes girls: I mean, you could casually mention how rad Ellen is and see if she picks up the ball and runs with it, but also, this is 2011, so you can probably just ask her out on a date. If she says “yes,” she likes girls.

Just remember that no one really knows any more about this than you do. Even chicks who have a ton of lady-getting experience are starting from scratch with each new girl they meet, because not everyone likes the same things, and not everyone wants to get wooed the same way. The only real advice I can give you is to relax and be yourself. There’s no super-secret lady-seducing trick that you can master. If a lady is feeling you — if you have chemistry — then whatever you do, she’ll find it charming and attractive: Your shyness will be sweet, your dumb jokes will be adorable, your weird hairdo will be refreshingly unique. (I’m not saying you have a weird hairdo! But if you do, don’t worry, you can still find love.) If she’s not feeling you, you can be the smoothest motherfucker on the face of the earth and still not get laid. Don’t sweat it too much. If something doesn’t work out, it’s not because you did the wrong thing; you were just wrong for each other. Keep being your awesome/endearingly awkward self, and sooner or later a hot girl is gonna come along, fall head over heels, and take you home to meet her vibrator.

And then she’s going to break your heart. But that’s OK. It builds character.

Previously: Casual Dating, Girls’ Night Out, and Listening to Your Heart/Vagina.

A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?