Done Anything Lately? You Might Be a Role Model

by Emily Weiss

Say what you will about the current spiritual zeitgeist, but I take comfort in the fact that these days it’s just so easy-peasy to become a guru! Check it out — in the old days it was like, “learn all thesevedas, exercise humility, live under this one tree, and confront (capital T) Truth.” As a regular person in 2011, you only have to go so far as throwing the word “guru” after the word “social media” (mouthbarf) in your Twitter bio. But as a celebrity it takes a little bit more work: You must write a book. And if you happen to be a lady celebrity, it has to be a self-help book for young women or girls. Maybe it’s not an immediate concern to you Hairpinners, but just think — if these failed sitcom actresses don’t speak out to the next generation, how will all the little Avas and Madisons of the world find self-confidence gurus? Ask their mothers? Read a book about Lucretia (unfortunate middle name, Coffin) Mott? Share their unique talents with others? I don’t think so! Apparently, what these girls need to do is Ask Elizabeth.

You know — Nomi Malone from Showgirls? She’s now credited as an “adolescent-advice guru,” and while I could see looking to Jessie Spano for answers (if the question was “how do I wear these high-waisted jeans?”), I’m perplexed by how this came to fruition. Maybe the other lady-celebs’ endorsements will shed some light. Let’s take a looksee.

“When you feel there’s no one who will listen, no one who will understand, no one to turn to, you can rest assured . . . Elizabeth will always be there for you.” — Janet Jackson.

I like to think about every family tragedy Janet Jackson has suffered (including her sister La Toya’s performance on the current season of Celebrity Apprentice — ZING!) and imagine that she shuns therapists, denies legal help, and leaves her (probably awesome) diary filled only with blank pages, but that when she picks up the phone to finally reach out and share her pain, she has only a direct line to Elizabeth Berkley.

Moving on…

Walking candy apple Maria Menunous has also recently published a book that is doing quite well.

I guess this now qualifies her to be a “lifestyle guru.” I mean she DOES host a lifestyle show, she cavorts daily with people who have the kind of lifestyle we are groomed to aspire to, and she is frequently IN Life & Style magazine, so maybe I should take a gander at the actual message in The EveryGirl’s Guide to Life.

“Ever show up at a wedding wearing the same dress as another guest? Two years ago, in Cannes, at a private dinner thrown for Valentino by Chopard, Minnie Driver and I showed up wearing the same white Valentino dress. All you can do is laugh it off!”

Preach it, EveryGirl!

Menunous tells young women that the key to their happiness is to organize, organize, organize. (Sorry messy girls, you’ll never interview the Obamas or have a sleek ponytail and you’ll probably die alone.) She also tells them that “toolkits come in plastic suitcases and are sold at Target.”

Sigh.

Perhaps if you are the daughter of a well-established self-help author, you have a better shot at imparting some valuable wisdom. Or, more realistically, you have like a 99% chance that your publisher will decide to repackage your dad’s ideas, slap a kicky font on a pink cover, say you “presented it”, and call it a day. Donna Dale Carnegie might know a thing or two about this in looking at How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls.

Is it just me, or in the context of teen girls does this book title translate to Start a Clique, Be the Head of That Clique, All by Applying Peer Pressure ? (Or, Pure Pressure, as I thought it was called for like five years.) No? Just me? OK.

Self-esteem driven picture books are another popular lady-guru venture. For instance, Kristi Yamaguchi has one about an ice skating piglet, Madonna has that series about English roses or something, and Brooke Shields probably has one, too. (Update: She does!) But what you might not know is that Kylie Minogue wrote one for little girls who dream of being photoshopped on the moon.

You are lying if you tell me you never Wikipedia’d Danica McKellar. Next to Mayim Bialik, I’d say ol’ Winnie Cooper had the most fascinating post-show career of any late-’80s/early-’90s TV actress. And though her attempts to relate to teen girls in the titles of her books (most notably Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle School Math Without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail) are uninspired at best and the lessons in the chapters border on offensive/hilarious at worst (Do You Still Have Crush on Him?: Finding the Greatest Common Factor (GCF)), of all the aforementioned authors, I can get behind calling her a guru. She has a theorem named after her! Her Erdos number is four!

Plus the title of this book really did make me chortle, maybe because I had to take pre-algebra twice.

Previously: The Baby-sitters Club: Where Are They Now?

Emily Weiss writes for The Tangential. She has not read any of these books but hears that Ask Elizabeth is really quite good.