Online Etiquette, Forced Chemistry, and “What Are You Thiiinking?”

by A Dude

I was very sheltered and shy in high school, so at the grand old age of 24, I’m finally trying my hand at the game of love for the first time. We just went Facebook official and I have to know: how do I *not* fuck it all up?

Hey, nothing to worry about. I was pretty shy in high school too, but then I graduated and got serious about starting a career in an “in demand” industry. Then again, I also eat lunch in my car, so it sounds like maybe this is one of those neutral tales meant to inspire you to engage in some small-scale practical improvement like starting a budget. Don’t forget to include haircut money! Bye!

No, my real answer is congratulations and kudos to you for taking your time. We’re all different. The transitional phases of life can demand all sorts of navigational requirements and we’re not all treated the same. For every childhood that ends with an innocent kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel, another will end over by the funnel cake stand, where a naked drug addict is carving his way out of a Mickey Mouse costume.

Hearing a question like, “How do I not fuck it all up?” makes me automatically think that you’re worrying too much about it. Yes, it took you 24 years to get here, but that doesn’t mean that it’s 24 more years until the next one. Relax and enjoy yourself. Be open to knowing that you have a lot to learn, but at the same time, don’t allow your inexperience to undermine your genuine feelings about this person. Maybe you struck gold on your first try. If so, great! You won’t even have to go through that phase where you try to imagine being old and dating, where every scenario includes this part where you’re trying to have a conversation with your date’s angry teenager.

It’s true that you can fuck up a relationship, but the good news is that the things that ruin romantic relationships are the same things that ruin any other relationships. So there’s nothing to learn. Things like patience, honesty, and being supportive and respectful are essential to all relationships. So there. Don’t be an asshole.

Also important to understand is that not all relationships end because someone fucked up. Good things can simply come to an end because people move in different directions. This phenomenon is as essential and maddening an element to love as the chutes are to Chutes & Ladders. What is particularly cruel is that, oftentimes, in order to find out that you aren’t compatible with someone, you have no choice but to date him or her … sometimes for a very long time. Learn and move on.

Lastly, don’t go Facebook official unless you’re ready to get relationship advice from your Mom’s friend Joyce, who you forgot you added and who doesn’t know that everyone can read what she posted.

Hey dude. I recently found out the a pretty close guy friend is into me, and I’m not totally closed off to the idea. He’s hilarious, really nice and sweet (a little sexually nervous, and I’m not super attracted to him, but whatever). Anyway, we’ve been hanging out, and I can’t decide whether I like him or not. Here’s a problem A: Do I stop sending flirty signals, but then if my feelings develop I’ve already shut it down, or B: Keep on truckin,’ but if I decide not to pursue it, I come off as a bitch for leading him on. Also, am I not allowed to hook up with other people during this period?

I love how by the end of this question, you’re basically like, “I’m ready to see other people.” The relationship hasn’t even happened yet and you’re already feeling smothered! My fantasies about women in line at the grocery store don’t even crash that fast. I really am impressed.

I just hope you can look back at your question and see your reservations, because they’re pretty evident. It’s simple: You’re not attracted to him as more than a friend. It happens, and there’s no need to force it with this guy. This isn’t The Blue Lagoon where you’ve already combed the island looking for other options, and so now it’s back to the campfire, like, “Well, I’m not fucking a spider monkey so we might as well try this.” He’s a great friend and maybe that’s best. What you should definitely not do is challenge your instincts at the risk of irreparably damaging a perfectly good friendship.

This guy seems to be very into you, so it’s probably not unreasonable to assume you have full control of the situation. Proceed with caution, because he’s likely driving himself crazy overanalyzing those flirty little signals that you can so easily turn on and off. Imagine what would happen if you lead him on for a while and then decide to have one of those hook-ups you mentioned. Now, of course you’re free to do that, but just realize that your friend would be crushed. He might even do that thing where he weeps into a teddy bear so much that the stuffing begins to rot, and the fake bear starts decomposing. Then your friend panics and flips out because when he Googles “rotting teddy bear,” it returns … NOTHING. Oh god! It’s a new lonely!

Just be patient. Respect this friendship for what it’s worth, and when the right guy comes along, you’ll be glad you did.

I have an online dating profile and get messages from dudes that for one reason or another I am not interested in getting to know. What’s the best way to say “thanks but no thanks”? I think it’s rude to not respond to sincere inquiries, but I don’t want to lie, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I don’t want to get into why they’re not ringing my bell. How would you like to be treated in this scenario? Give me some words, Dude …

Unless I’m guilty of some egregious error, like forgetting to flush that toilet in the background of my profile picture, I’d rather not hear anything at all. And I’m not just suggesting that because I happen to live in a fantasy world where delusions take the place of difficult truths — I really mean it. Online dating is different than regular dating, and not all the rules and courtesies are applicable to both worlds. While I admire your desire to be completely honest with these guys, I wonder how constructive you can actually be. After all, this rejection letter would be based on a handful of pictures, a list of surface-level likes and dislikes, and very limited interaction. In fact, by definition, I don’t even think that one email alone can be classified as “interaction” any more than watching my ex-girlfriend through binoculars means we’re “talking again.”

The online dating world is filled with enough men, women, and men pretending to be women for everyone. The nature of the game is too fast-paced to dwell on unanswered messages. I say if you’re not interested, don’t respond. I don’t think these guys will be offended, and, chances are, they copied and pasted the first email anyway.

Hi dude. So, sorry this is kind of a silly, classic question. I’m seeing this new lovely man with whom I’ve got quite a soulful connection. Like many young lovers, we spend lots of time gazing lying around at each other, and gazing into space too, whilst in bed. But whereas I’m a blabberer of my mind’s thoughts, this guy is so silent. And being the over-thinker I am I start wondering, worrying, analyzing his silence and what it might mean. Foolish, I know. But I want to know what’s on his mind! Of course I ask him, but I fear its getting annoying. The other partners I’ve had have always just spoken their minds, with or without prompting. And I adore this guy, am fascinated by him, but want to know more of what’s in his head. But, yes, I don’t want to be that lady asking “what are your thoughts? what are you thiiiinking!” all the time. Is he struggling with some thoughts of his recent ex? Just thinking of some work-thing? Coffee? Sports? I tell him I want to hear it all, am honored, delighted, eager to just be privy to his mental dialogue. But he’s so quiet. I’m speaking, again, to be clear, of those times where’s we’re lying in bed at night/in the morning. Out in the world, we have lots of good talk. Something about those more intimate moments of repose though that makes me feel so far from him when he doesn’t speak. Or maybe I should just enjoy. Ideas?

When I first read, “soulful connection,” I was like, “Right on,” but then I realized I was visualizing a person making that tired and smiley Folgers Coffee face, so I guess never mind. I don’t think I’ve experienced what you’re talking about. Oh well! It really sounds like you have a great thing going.

And you’re right. This is a classic question, but for good reason. Women have a tendency to express themselves better and oftentimes more frequently (sitcom!) than men, but the communication barrier only becomes a problem when you fail to express important things to one another or when silence takes the place of genuine interest. No relationship is without problems, but the way problems are addressed begins and ends with being able to communicate openly with the person you’re with. And from what it sounds like, the two of you are quite capable of having amazing conversations, so my advice would be to enjoy what you have.

Value the great conversations and then take time to value the silence. Otherwise you’re going to hear things like, “I’m going to eat more berries,” or “Would it just be easier to have dentures?” Contrary to your fear that guys spend these silences thinking about ex-girlfriends or work, it’s usually far less interesting. Ask us what we’re really thinking and we might spend 45 minutes talking about how peanut butter makes us feel fiscally responsible, and that if they ever make a video where a dog is skiing, the best way to cut to the dog’s point of view would be to have a guy gripping ski poles with dog-paw gloves. And those are just the examples of actual thoughts! Sharing the portions of visuals would be an even greater waste of your time. Do you really want to hear about the truck with pizzas for wheels, or the one where if you poke holes in the bald Cabbage Patch doll’s head and somehow fill it with soil and seeds, he’ll grow plant-hair? Of course not! It’s late. You’re wonderful. Now let’s go to sleep.

Previously: Stand-up “Comedy,” Breasts, and Boyfriends Who Don’t Kill Bugs.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?