Ask a Clean Person: Toilets, Ovens, and the Importance of Rubber Gloves

My husband and I moved from a house with a dishwasher to an apartment without one. Is there a way to speed up the dishwashing process? Secret tricks of the dishwasher guild? I bought gloves so I can take the water temperature up from warm to scorching. It seems like it takes my husband and I forever to wash the dishes. Also, when I wash I seem to fling a lot of water around, any suggestions how to avoid that?

Here’s the method I use when I move into a new place and need to get all my dish- and silverware cleaned after unpacking them: Plug the drain, place all the items in the bottom of the sink, squirt the whole mess down with dish soap, and run the hot water until the sink is about two inches from overflowing. Then walk away.

Ten or so minutes later come on back! Don the rubber gloves you so wisely bought and dive in with your sponge. Wash all of your items while they’re still submerged in the soapy water, maybe making a Dirty Side and a Clean Side to help keep the jumble straight. Once everything has been scrubbed, drain the sink completely and begin the process of rinsing each item. Give everything a look-see to make sure you’ve gotten them fully clean, going back over any stuck on food with your sponge if need be, before handing them over to your husband to dry. A couple more tips:

-Set aside knives and other sharp utensils so that you don’t plunge your hand into the soapy water and impale yourself. Wash those separately.

-Wash like things together, i.e. do your plates, then your bowls, then your cutlery, etc. etc. etc.

-Figure out how many dishtowels you need and then buy double that number.

-Lay a dishtowel (or two, depending on how many dishes you’ve got) out on the counter next to the sink and place clean items on it to await your HusbandDryer.

-Use Palmolive dish soap. I’ve tried other brands and frankly none have the sudsing- or staying-power of Palmolive. Though I will admit that Mrs. Meyer’s, while pricey, is delicious smelling and gives pretty good suds.

-Replace your sponges regularly. One of my college roommates had the most curious litmus test to determine whether or not a sponge was ready to be tossed: Would you put your tongue on it? I know, so gross right? But? She made an interesting point, so!

I recently moved and ended up with a stove that does not have a self-clean function. The previous owners must have used it to smelt iron or char Barbie dolls in their off hours, because the inside of this oven is a MESS.

I’ve tried turning it on once since moving in to see if I could burn some of it off, but I had to abort the mission after the smell proved too overpowering for my delicate sensibilities.

Having never cleaned an oven by hand (first world problems), I’m obliged to ask: How does one go about cleaning an oven? Are there special tools or sprays that need to be used? I’ve read a few articles that recommend heating the oven first and then applying some kind of oven cleaner, but I’m having trouble finding specifics about what kind of oven cleaner to use, and I can’t help but think that oven heat + random chemical spray = me passed out on my kitchen floor.

Any tips, tricks, or general advice for not killing yourself while cleaning an oven?

The quick answer is (and Hestia have mercy, the hippies are gonna come a-screamin’ today): Easy-Off Oven Cleaner. You use it on a cold oven, so you won’t need to worry about fussing with temperature gauges. The thing is this: IT STINKS. Even the odor-free kind. So every window should be open while you’re doing your cleaning. And you MUST MUST MUST use rubber gloves when working with it. If you don’t, Ask a Nail Technician is going to pumice me to death and then who will help you figure out how the best way to clean your DivaCups? Right. Rubber gloves!

Now for the longer answer: First thing you’ll need to do is spray the entire interior of the oven with the cleaner — walls, floor, roof, door, as well as the racks. Now shut the oven door and leave the room. Have a glass of wine or something! In ten minutes, return to your kitchen, marvel at the lovely smell, and get ready to go to work.

Fill a bucket with clean water, grab a scrungy sponge and put on your rubber gloves. Put on some music! It will help things, swearsies. Open your oven and remove the racks; put them in your sink, grab your sponge, wet it, and wipe down the racks, rinsing them with water when you’re done. Then plop yourself down on the floor in front of the oven, rinse your sponge and ring it out, and then begin wiping each surface, starting with the side walls. There may be some tricky spots — turn your sponge and use the scrungy side to get at them. Once the sides are done, stick your head all the way in the oven (THIS IS THE FUN PART, SYLVIA) and wipe down the back wall, then the roof of the oven, saving the oven floor for last.

Throughout this process you’ll need to rinse your sponge frequently; you may even need to change the water halfway through. Truth time: This is a disgusting, dirty job.

So, is there a not-gross way to clean the toilet? How often do clean people clean the toilet? How do clean people clean themselves after cleaning gross things? And how do they stop compulsively cleaning once they are in the shower after cleaning gross things? How clean is clean enough?

There totally is a not-gross way to clean bathrooms! I clean my toilet once a week! By washing their hands well! Meds! NO SUCH THING!

Sorry. OK. Sorry! I’ll be serious now, mostly because ohmygod I’m so excited that you’ve asked this because I finally — FINALLY! — get to talk about my all time favey-fave cleaning product. (I have a list, yes.)

SCRUBBING BUBBLES. They’re bubbles! That scrub! And I looove them. I do not even really know why, other than to tell you that they’ve thrilled me since I was a child.

I was not a very normal child, I will admit that.

Anyway, Scrubbing Bubbles are where it’s at. Accept no substitute. I was once very broke and scrimped on my Scrubbing Bubbles by going for a generic and it was a terrible, terrible time in my life. Spray your entire commode down — seat, lid, top of the tank, bowl — walk away for 5, 10 minutes, come back and wipe the bubbles down with a damp sponge. Hit the bowl with a bowl brush. Once you’ve wiped away the Scrubbing Bubbles, grab a paper towel or two and go over the whole exterior of the toilet to remove any lint that the sponge might not have gotten and then hit flush to give the bowl a rinsey.

And get yourself some rubber gloves, loveypants. You seem overly freaked out by the idea of touching gross things, and they’ll help with that.

Previously: The Smoker’s Dilemma.

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Is anything you own dirty?