Stop Writing “As One Does”

“As one does,” as one does.

This is a request. Please stop writing “as one does.”

It seems like there’s been an increase in the ironic usage of “as one does” in the past couple months or some other amount of time. One does see it everywhere lately, both in pieces one does like and in pieces one does not like.

Enough.

In the cases relevant to this request, “as one does” is used to indicate absurdity; it follows something or a succession of things that one does not typically do. “Isn’t this amusingly abnormal?” it asks, unnecessarily. “I, too, understand that this is uncommon,” the writer discloses with a wink, unnecessarily.

I hate to single out specific articles because my heart is pure and I am a very nice lady and I understand that we’re all just trying to get through the day and it’s hard and it’s not getting any easier and soon it’s gonna get dark real early, but here are some recent examples that come up when you Google “‘as one does’” and then click “News”:

• “Drake Got Rihanna a Billboard, As One Does.”
• “First, she wore a massive white gown for her bachelorette party (as one does), which is grand enough for the actual wedding day.”
• “This leads him to announce that the two of them will need to discuss their full sexual histories with one another, you know, as one does on the first day of work with one’s boss.”
• “Chance also talked about the support his dad gave him when he was starting out as an artist, if his daughter, Kinsely, enjoys his music, and how he still genuinely freaks out whenever he’s around Beyoncé, as one does.”
• “In ‘Midnight,’ Apple carries forward the slightly off, serene-but-menacing atmosphere as a youth skateboards his way around town after hours, snapping low-light pictures with an iPhone 7 Plus, as one does.”
• “He’s gone so far as to write a seemingly critical poem about the fast food empire and specifically its fries for Frank Ocean’s ‘zine, Boys Don’t Cry, which was accompanied by an editorial of him going to Mickey D’s in his Lamborghini, as one does.”
• “Earlier this summer, streetwear designer Heron Preston got stuck in a garbage bag while swimming in the Mediterranean, as one does.”

Etc., etc. AOD, AOD.

“As one does” is at best unnecessary and at worst an indicator that the obvious absurdity it’s meant to highlight was not made obvious enough. Its too-frequent usage has flattened the element of humor it presumably once held, leaving its little flat joke body lying lifelessly on, uh, the surface of Beyoncé’s, uhh, pool…of diamonds, as one does.

So. Stop writing “as one does,” please.

You gotta think of a new thing for a joke now.

Thank you,

Kelly