A Typical Itinerary for the Three Weeks in 1995 I Was a Remorseless 8th Grade Shoplifter

by Blair Koenig

Friday night, 5 p.m.: Head to the mall with a few friends. Catch a ride from someone’s mom (or your own mom), or page that acid-dealing sophomore you think is cool and ask him to pick you up.

5:15 p.m.: Dine in the food court. It’s important to have stamina when shoplifting, so eat wisely. Chinese food and Wendy’s combo #5 are my top recommendations.

6 p.m.: Go outside and chain-smoke five to seven cigarettes with a bunch of other kids under 16 and talk about nothing. Maybe start spontaneously rapping Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “1st of tha Month” for a couple minutes even though you don’t know the lyrics. If you’re running low on smokes, now’s the time to go to Bennigan’s for a $1.95 pack from their vending machine.

7 p.m.: It’s game time. Put your shoplifting face on. The first stop is JC Penney because they offer huge, free bags next to the entrance. This will be your “Santa sack” (kind of a reverse Santa sack since you’ll be filling it as the night goes on).

7:10 p.m.: While you’re at JC Penney, hit the Junior’s department and try on several bras despite not knowing what size your boobs are since they’re still growing. Attempt to locate bras sized “S,” especially anything in satin because that’s sexy. You won’t take off your shirt in front of a boy for another four years but that’s beside the point. Put several bras on over your bra and then get the hell out of JC Penney. But act casual.

7:30 p.m.: Take a stroll to Spencer’s and find some cheap crap to steal in there. Something like a pack of tarot cards or a mug with Bart Simpson’s face on it. No lava lamps! You have to actually buy those for $39.99 but they’re so worth it.

7:45 p.m.: Now wander into Sanrio Surprises and throw some stickers in your bag because stickers rule. If you’re a badass, take a couple of Beanie Babies. Everyone says those things are gonna be worth a lot of money one day. Try to get a limited-edition one.

7:55 p.m.: Reward yourself with a pretzel sample on the way to Contempo Casuals. This is a store where you wish you could steal everything, but since you can’t, just steal a pair of rubber Gumby earrings, a crop top long-sleeve angora sweater, and a pair of purple corduroys. Don’t forget to check for security tags, because otherwise you’re screwed.

8:20 p.m.: The mall closes at nine, so it’s time to step it up. Knock off this baby shit and show the very well-lit Gap what you’re made of by somehow managing to snag two “Dream”-scented lotions and a small bottle of “Heaven” perfume. You’re going to rock these fragrances for the remainder of eighth grade, and it will be awesome.

8:30 p.m.: Break for a minute to stare at one of those Magic Eye posters like that guy did in Mallrats. Consider how much you wish you owned one (framed and on an easel like at the mall).

8:40 p.m.: Final stop of the night. It’s time to get something more valuable than clothes or lotion: a CD from Wherehouse Music. The only other time you did this was one the most exhilarating nights of your life, and you walked away with Hole’s Live Through This. Tonight you’ve got your eye on Notorious B.I.G.’s Ready to Die. You already know all the words to the radio version of “Big Poppa,” so the album must be yours. To remove the barcode from the plastic wrap you have to go to a place where the cameras won’t see you, and as far as you’re concerned, a human being is sitting in a control room watching your every move, so you can’t mess this up. Thankfully a friend with blue hair who will later go to rehab has done this before and knows where all the cameras are located. The trick is to remove the barcode under a play table in the kids section. Of course, it looks kind of weird that you’re in the kids section, but that’s OK.

8:50 p.m.: Leave Wherehouse Music and breathe a sigh of relief. Tonight was so cool. You’ve got a story to talk about all night with your friends as you listen to “One More Chance” on repeat. Wait for your friend’s mom to pick you up and act like it’s totally normal to be carrying a bag full of stuff, as if your parents give you more than ten dollars a week in allowance (they don’t).

9:05 p.m.: Mission accomplished! It’s amazing how much you can get done in just four short hours with a five-finger discount. Too bad it’s illegal and your friend Julie gets caught stealing a cappuccino-scented candle a few weeks later, forcing you to realize that stealing is obnoxiously selfish and criminally wrong. All good things must come to an end.

Blair Koenig is a Brooklyn-based writer who still knows all the words to “Big Poppa.” Her mother is not proud of this article.

Image via Flickr