How to Not Sleep With Bartenders

by Wilma P.

1. Never go to bars.

2. Always stay looking ahead so you never see bars.

3. Keep cyanide in a fake tooth so if someone turns you to face a bar you can commit suicide.

4. Never leave your house.

5. Line your doors and windows with old towels.

6. Staple yourself to the floor.

7. OK, you should be safe. Want to get a drink to celebrate? There’s a new place in Red Hook where they serve cocktails made out of glass in glasses made out of alcohol. Crazy, right? Also this dude works there who’s ugly but not like ugly-ugly, I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. Anyway, no big deal, but if you wanted.

Wilma P. is a mess.