Porno-meters, Gastric Bypass, and Tending to Small Things

by A Dude

There’s this guy I’ve known for several years. We’re both in the military, we used to be stationed together, and there was some sexual tension between us before he moved away. Since then we’ve had some sexual conversations, and I’m pretty sure that once we’re both in the same city again we’re going to end up getting it on.

He has joked a couple times about not having a very big penis. This week he joked about it and I asked how big it is. He said one inch. He then tried to play it off like he was joking, but knowing him I am sure that he is serious about not being very big. It’s not a deal breaker for me, but I have only really been with bigger or at least average guys so I’m not sure if there’s any way I should approach this when we end up naked with each other or is there anything I need to know?

You’re going to have to take one for the team. And by team I mean all your future selves who might be getting it on with this dude. The only way to know to for certain is to get in there and get some eyes and hands on it. There are known knowns, etc.

Lament, though, the tiny dicked. My hand goes out to them. In my experience the stereotype tends to be true: They are generous in the sack. But even that laudable quality is borne of insecurity — at least at first — and I’ve seen that mess with dudes’ minds. One of my below-average friends was a heel to women for years; another became a cross-dresser, which was (to my mind) part of his way of dealing with the mixed up messages he was sending to himself. Those two guys had everything else going for them — clever, charming, handsome, unique — but the little dick thing really tweaked them for a long time.

My friends got better. In large part because they got older, met women for whom penetration wasn’t the most important thing in the sack. (Or at least not cervix polo.) But along the way they met plenty of women who gave them the brush off because they had a half-pint pecker. It fucked them up. Nature’s cruel and, worse, capricious.

But you want to know what you should do! Not pity him, that’s for sure. Ignore everything I just said. Just get in there and have a good time. Don’t gasp or titter or make a comment if it’s small or even if it’s bigger than you expected. (Maybe he’s average but trying to manage expectations. Which is weird, too, and perhaps should not be rewarded.) Just do him! And if the size of his cock is going to be a dealbreaker, trust your instinct when you decline a second or third encounter as to whether or not you should be honest about his dick size being the reason or not, because he already pretty much knows.

Over the last three years not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times I’ve gotten myself fairly far down the road (like three or four months) with various dudes, only to find out he had a serious girlfriend or lady in his life who would be highly displeased to find out he was hooking up with other women. The first couple times I thought it was a coincidence, but this is getting ridiculous. Two of the guys I met at bars and two I met through friends of friends — and none gave any sign of attachment until I started getting suspicious and asking questions. One was just said, “Yes, I cheat on her.” One ended things with me immediately. One apologized and wanted to be friends. The fourth I haven’t broke the news that I know to yet. I don’t want to come off as a crazy paranoid freak, but I feel like I need to start background checking dudes before accepting dates. Any ideas what I might be doing to attract these lowlifes?

Ha what? You’re dating people for months and don’t huh?

I’m tempted to point out that your use of “thrice” without irony is a sign of poor judgement and an inability to know thine audience and leave it there. But that would be needlessly cruel and I want to be just cruel enough.

You know how it’s a cliche to respond to someone’s complaint about how they keep attracting dirtbags with, “Well, what’s the constant in this situation?” (And then go “It’s you!” modified with a poor-honey hand on the arm, a seeping eye and pouting lip, or — my preference — a high-five to the nearest strange passerby at the bar.)

Well, it’s you. (Down low, too slow!) What on earth are you doing that you’re “dating” people for months that you don’t get to know them well enough to know they’re involved? Are you simply meeting them for a drink and a fingerblast over brunch? It’s got to be just sex, right? That’s why you never talk?

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with taking it slow, but perhaps you’ve taken the notion of casual dating a bit too casually. The idea (at least as I understand it) is that you can date a few people at once without having to commit to anyone until you’re sure they’re worth your time. Or just dating one person here and there. Same idea. The idea is not that you spend so little time with the person that they’re able to hide fundamental, time-consuming aspects of their life from you.

Maybe you just need a new template. Here’s what you should do from here on out: Date the way you dated before for one month. Then, if you like this guy, increase your rate of date. After two months, you should be speaking to him at least daily (with reasonable exception) and spending time with him at least every other day.

Is that maybe a little too fast? Sure, I mean, possibly. But you need to start jumping in a little sooner than you have been. Unless — and I probably should have started with this — you’re subconsciously picking out dudes who you can tell are committed because you have some fear of commitment yourself. Which, you know, kind of sounds likely, given your history and behavior. Maybe your should spend the next three to four months trying to figure out if your shrink is married.

I am a 40-year-old woman who is about to be divorced after 14 years of marriage. I was always a busty, curvy woman, but during my unhappy marriage, I ate to deal with my feelings. Until I hit my breaking point last year. We separated, and the divorce is final in June.

So, after years and years of trying to lose weight (with the ex sabotaging it, then calling me “fat”), I got gastric bypass in late February. I have lost 35 pounds already. I feel hotter, more confident, and, consequently, hornier. I haven’t had sex with another person ; ) in 1.5 years.

I plan on losing another 100 pounds, and have the support of wonderful friends and family. Men flirt with me. Most are men I already know and am friends with, and most are married, so it’s not going anywhere, but I know that even at this weight, I am attractive. I have had one-night stand propositions, but I am not going to do that. I am smart, witty, and dammit, do have a “very pretty face,” which is getting thinner and prettier as the rest of me shrinks.

Here is my dilemma: I am ready to date again, but I wonder if I should lose more weight first. If I start now, I will attract men who like BBWs. That’s great that some men like BBW, but I don’t want to be a BBW any more and am actively trying not to be one. I also am not attracted to large men. Husky, stocky, overweight, fine. But not obese. I want to be a not-obese woman involved with not-obese men. I also wonder if, as my weight goes down, my self-esteem will go up even more.

So, help me. Do I, as a fat but cute woman, go out there now and see what happens, or should I wait until I’m just chubby? A man who thinks I’m hot right now might very well not think the same thing as I lose weight, because fat is what he likes. I don’t want to have to disclose my surgical history and weight loss plans on dates. UGH.

I have sat and thought about your dilemma for a couple of weeks. It’s come up as I’ve stared at myself in mirrors and wondered about my own body and how I feel about it. If it’s tricky enough for me to figure out, I can only imagine how you feel.

First, let me say this: You’re brave. As someone who has lost a considerable amount of weight in the past, I know how many mixed signals we get from our friends and culture about how we should or shouldn’t feel about being overweight. That it’s OK to be obese. (It is spiritually, but not physically?) That you’re self-centered. (So what?) That you’re trying to attain an ideal set by a hateful media. (The same media that wants to sell me Triple Stuffed Oreos by the pound? OK.) It takes a lot of guts to make a decision to change your life in such a profound way, and even if it doesn’t end up exactly as you’d hoped I want you to know that you’ve got a lot of moxie. Don’t let anyone — especially not some dude you’re going to let bang you — tell you different.

But that’s the easy part. The tricky part isn’t what’s going on in your head but trying to second guess what’s going on in someone else’s. You are asking the same question that everyone tacitly asks when they enter into a relationship: Are you going to like me even when my body changes? But you’re asking it in opposition to the normal trendline. It’s confusing as hell but fascinating! Take solace that you’re living an interesting sociology experiment.

Here’s what I think: Go have some fun. You say you’re not into one-night stands, and that’s completely fine. But I’m going to presume you’re OK with Ninety-Day Stands, give or take a few weeks. So just go out, date some guys, find one who turns your crank. You can broach the weight loss topic after you’re dating. There’s no rush. It’s nobody’s business until you make it their business. That part’s simple.

This is where it gets iffy, but I feel like I have to try to give you some more perspective on how men — or least how I — perceive weight with regard to women.

When I was a kid, I was attracted to all sorts of different women for all sorts of reasons, but I only ever wanted to date “thin” women, because that’s who I thought were the “most impressive” women. Which, yes, gross.

Then I got older and realized that women came in a variety of sizes and that I was very attracted to both beanpole women and women with flying buttress curves. And I dated both and all sorts in between. And so it was good.

But I still gravitate towards women who are the “right” size for their bodies. Obviously some women are built to be curvy and have more fat — and I do mean fat! — on their frames than others. How do I know how much is the right amount? When I think they’re sexy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, somebody’s always going to find you sexy. There is a wide range. (The “Burke Delta.”) If you just want to have a good time and get laid, that they’re interested should be enough. Are you feeling unsexy at the size you are and are worried that getting some will kill your motivation to lose more weight? Because please don’t do that. Hating yourself never helps you lose weight.

There is a right size for you. It’s lower than you were but probably higher than you’ve been told it should be. And as long as you keep your head screwed on straight and have fun while you struggle, you’ll attract men who can enjoy you in a variety of sizes, just like you can be attracted to men who are overweight but not obese. And if you’re a little more judgmental about the size of your partner than they are of you, don’t hate yourself. *Indulge.*

Since you’re a dude, I’m sure it will come as no great surprise that my boyfriend is pretty into porn. What I’m wondering is, at what point does porn viewing become excessive? He looks at porn most days, sometimes multiple times a day. If I’d venture a guess, I’d say an average of eight hours a week. This seems like a lot to me, but I’m not a guy and I’m not that interested in porn, so I don’t really know. On the porno-meter, is this within a healthy range or does it seem like too much, even for a dude?

If you’re happy with your sex life, he’s watching just enough porn.

Previously: Flirting, Non-Verbal Communication, and Men Who Say They’re Gay.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo via Flickr