How to Get Over Someone

By The Hairpin July 6, 2011

by Anna Breslaw

– Get bangs
— Start a cockfighting ring
— Have a Roomba autonomous vacuum cleaner transplanted where your heart should be
— Google “little debbie zebra cakes nyc but where??”
— Delete ex’s number
— Throw cell phone into active volcano
— Every time you catch yourself thinking about ex, force yourself to stop by thinking about something else (He always smelled like chocolate chip cookies and I miss the way he used to look at mSTRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube)
— When shopping with friends, tell them you’re looking for a sundress that says “Fuck you, I look fucking hard as shit”
— Call a bunch of gyms to compare monthly membership fees, crunch some numbers, lose the piece of paper, eat a Zebra Cake
— Rebound with someone who says things like “I was really proud of my Tweet about bottle service”
— Get a dog
— Put a dog up on Craigslist under “free stuff”
— Post something super friendly and casual on ex’s Facebook wall, like:
HI
whathwahthwahhtat
aaaaaaarghaog2eyq3
help
feelings
I’m
WHHHYYYYY
how
are
your parents?
Pooping
fuuuuuuuUUUUUU
— Feel better, sort of
— Feel better!
— Run into ex
— Repeat