A Sexy Dead Alien King Was Found on Mars and His Heart Is Yours for the Taking

Dead alien…queen?

Have you heard the news? The bones of a single, sexy, dead alien were found on Mars. And the best part? He’s a king!

According to Paranormal Crucible and the Daily Mail, the number one and two most trusted news organizations in the United States of America, respectively, an image captured by NASA’s Curiosity Mars rover provides definitive proof that true love awaits you if you are willing to go out there and dig out its dirty humanoid bones from the ground on Mars:

I’ve anticipated a few of your questions:

He’s definitely sexy, but does he have a good personality?

I hear you. Taking the risk of traveling to Mars in order to meet a man you’ve never even spoken to before is scary, but Scott C. Waring of UFOSightingsDaily says he “could be an intelligent species” and that it is likely he was “one of the creatures that controlled this planet.” Mm, mmm. A smart, take-charge man? Sometimes things are worth the risk!

Kurt Cobain once said, “I love you for what I am not, I do not want what I have got.” With that in mind, I have to ask: Why are his bones so much like my bones? And is it too much that crowns are worn by leaders in his culture, which seems sort of “Earthy” to me?

Not all of his bones are like your bones! Being able to learn from each others differences is crucial in a relationship, but some common ground is also necessary. Yeah, you both have a clavicle bone. So what? It’ll be something to laugh about later — the pros and cons of that dumb old clavicle bone.

Oh, and the crown thing? …Lighten up!

The Daily Mail keeps calling him a “martian king.” Once we’re settled into a relationship, would “Martian Luther King” be a cute pet name?

No!

I love the idea of being an alien queen, but will there be a lot of extra responsibilities?

Yes, but I truly hope that doesn’t put you off of the idea. You will have to go to alien functions, stand next to your alien skeleton king, and in general perform your duty as alien queen. But doesn’t that sound sort of fun? It’ll be a lot to learn at first — I’m not going to lie to you — but once you get the hang of it it’s going to be hard to imagine a life in which you weren’t an alien skeleton queen on Mars.

Do I have to be a skeleton too?

Not right now, but eventually yes, and probably sooner than you would’ve been a skeleton on Earth. You’re going to like it!

So. The end. Go get him!