Lucinda Rosenfeld’s “Friend or Foe” Advice Column at Slate

Currently, the single most effective way to cause you to re-examine all of your female friendships in a haze of paranoia and self-doubt. The answer, in case you were wondering, is always “Foe,” and if you’re worried your friends are sending in complaints about you, they probably are.

They hate your boyfriend. They blame you for not getting your friend fired. They secretly want to skip girls’ night.

They’d rather hang out with other people when they crash at your place, and see you only as a free bed. They resent your success at work.

Your break-up bores them. They want to hit on your boyfriend. They think your lesbianism is a phase. They know you’re eating their peanut butter, and they resent it. They think you’re fat. They think you talk too much about not-being-fat. You should probably go live on an ice floe, or become one of those women who talks about how they don’t really haaaave female friends, because women are so caaaatty, and instead hang out with a bunch of awesome bros and drink beer and enjoy going to strip clubs because they’re all about having fun.

Or, you know, none of this actually applies to you, and the women who write into Lucinda Rosenfeld need better goddamn friends.