Reading Between the Texts: This Is Not Working

By Katie Heaney July 20, 2011

The Texts

Him: “So are you really dating this guy?”
R: “Yes…?”
Him: “I was really shocked when I found out.”
R: “I’m sorry, but we broke up 6 months ago and haven’t talked since.”
Him: “Well, I was going to tell you I loved you when you got home from abroad, but now it’s TOO LATE. It’s like that Bob Dylan song…you should listen to it.”

The Analysis

K: Haha, ahhhh. AHHHHHH!!! What??
R: I broke up with him, after we dated for three weeks and he was high the entire time, and he was going to wait for me to return from Africa so that he could tell me he loved me?
K: Maybe he thought you’d return and be like, nostalgic for him? Maybe he was thinking of Simba, by mistake?
R: I don’t even know what Bob Dylan song he’s talking about.
K: Here, I’m searching “Bob Dylan songs.”
R: There shouldn’t be too many to choose from.
K: Oh, it’s probably “Must Be Santa.”
R: Or “O Little Town Of Bethlehem.”
K: How are you going to sleep at night, knowing that you made some poor boy listen to “O Little Town Of Bethlehem,” as sung by Bob Dylan, on repeat?
R: Um, it’s like that Bob Dylan song. About sleep? You should listen to it.

The Texts

Him: “Hey I’m in town — going out for drinks with work friends tonight. What are you up to?”
A: “Cool, what bar?”
…
[2 days pass]
…
Him: “Hey, sorry. I didn’t think I was ready to see you again yet. Do you want to hang out?”

The Analysis

K: Let me get this straight.
A: You can’t. It can’t be straightened.
K: So…ok here’s what happened. He was totally planning to go out for drinks and have you meet up with him, but then he was walking around the city and got lost in a dark alley, and came up to this, like, hag lady. And she was like, “my dear boy, what ails you?” And he looked into her eyes and saw a vision of YOU, like frolicking in a field with flowers in your hair. He realized he still loved you, and started crying — a lot actually, it was kind of embarrassing. He was like, “help me, wise woman.” So the hag (who is secretly a witch) took him into her hut and gave him anti-love potions and covered him in …wolfsbane, or something. So he laid in a trance there for two days until the witch woke him up and was like, “Go forth, my child. Be not afraid!”
A: …I think he was just being a dick.
K: Well, yeah. OK.
A: Do I have to go?
K: Uh, no!!? Jesus Christ, do not go.
A: I kind of want to go though. Just so I can show how much I don’t care. We’ll just get dinner.
K: OK but at least be like, “Actually I own this restaurant, I’m just letting you eat here because you look smaller and I thought you might need this food to survive.”

The Texts

C: “This is just getting too hard. I think we should end things.”
Him: “Yea me too”

The Analysis

C: I know that technically I suggested breaking up but I don’t see why he had to agree with me so easily!!!
K: Oh, I see, you were trying the universally successful reverse psychology approach.
C: Obviously! Like, how did he not get that what I really wanted was for him to fight for me? Like, he should’ve said, “You could never make it too hard for me.”
K: Think about what you just said.
C: Ugh, not like that.
K: I think he’s just masking his pain. He didn’t even finish the sentence properly.
C: That’s true. He’s probably like, “my arms are too heavy. Punctuation doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters but sorrow.”
K: Yeah! And then he just melted to the floor, like Alex Mack.
C: And then he, like, slimed away, crying.
K: I hope I never come across a crying silver puddle, that sounds really scary actually.
C: I know, ahhhhh, I hope that didn’t really happen.

The Texts

K: “What’s going on? I still haven’t heard back from you.”
Him: “I’m sorry, I just don’t think this is a good time for me”

The Analysis

R: Well that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over.
K: How?
R: I don’t know, maybe he means this exact time isn’t good because he’s like, working on a project. But in 2 hours he’ll be like, “this is a perfect time.”
K: Working on a…on a “project,” that’s for sure!!!
R: Wait, what do you mean?
K: I don’t even know.
R: Do you even WANT to be with someone so awful?
K: Yes!!!!!!!!!
R: Well. OK, that’s fair. But I just think you should remember that he is the most evil person who has ever lived, and he is only interested in himself, and also in serving the devil.
K: He has such good cheekbones, though.
R: Fuck his cheekbones! I hope his stupid sharp and distinguished-looking cheekbones fall off his head and slice open his feet!
K: Yeah! All he ever uses his feet for is TRAMPLING ON PEOPLE’S HEARTS, anyway.
R: Why are you getting under the table? Where are you going?
K: I can’t deal with chairs anymore. Just leave me under here forever.
R: I’ll go get the Chips Ahoy and some milk.
K: Just bring the whole jug. What even is the point of “cups.”