Ill Wishes For Your Most Banal Needs

Curses For Valedictorians

• May no one remember if your honor is better or worse than salutatorian.
• May your college not recognize your AP credits
• May your peers value athleticism over academia.

Curses For Beauty Queens

• May they be asked about policy reform
• May someone else be wearing their swimsuit
• May their talent be more of a party trick

Curses For Mascots

• May you have an itch in a deeply unreachable place.
• Should you be able to do a back flip, may you never be acknowledged for it outside of the suit.
• May an actual animal take your job, as you once took their job.

Curses For Girls With Bangs

• May their bangs inexplicably part down the middle, Alfalfa style.
• May their thigh tattoos be off center.
• May the origin of their bangs be an emotional breakup, and nothing more.

Curses For Men Flying Business

• May Excel unexpectedly quit.
• May you be pinged during takeoff or landing.
• May your points not transfer.

Curses For Eric Clapton’s Guitar

• May no dads be in the vicinity to gawk at it.
• May everyone think Les Paul Standard is a hotel in France.
• Should it be auctioned off, may its new owner be lecherous old man trying to find a new hobby after his third divorce.

Curses For Apartments With Exposed Brick

• May there be no furniture arrangement that prominently features the brick.
• May the presence of brick add $300 to the monthly rent.
• May no visitors admirably say, “Ooh, exposed brick!”

Curses For Whimsical Girls

• May your flower crown wilt.
• May someone have already covered your favorite rap song on the ukulele.
• May no one ask if your dress is vintage.
• May you one day have to sell real estate.

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer and comedian at Funny or Die. Follow her at on Twitter @kadyrabbit.