“You know that it’s our time, these are the best days of our lives. Just raise your glasses high. This one’s for you tonight.” Of course we all know the famous words by Memoir featuring Dena Deadly that welcome us to a new episode of Vanderpump Rules not frequently enough on television’s Bravo network. But did you know that song (“Raise Your Glass”) is actually about a candle? Or just, it says candle in it at the beginning? It’s true! The first line is “Light up the sky, burn it up like a candle, when life gets hard or too hot to handle.” Huh. It is only appropriate, then, that Lisa Vanderpump sells her own line of candles online and in-store at Pump and SUR, and it is only appropriate, then-then, that I review one of them for the web’s most popular and highly regarded scented candle review column, The Hairpin’s CANDLE REVIEWS, which, of course, stands for:

Candles:
Amazing
Nice
Dope
Live
Entertainment

Really
Extremely
Very
Interesting
Entertainment
Wick
Sexy

(Non-canon.)

Luckily, one of my brothers gifted me a Pump candle for Christmas — the “Passion Fruit Vanilla Scented Candle.” Thank you, Patrick. I will now review it. According to the Pump website this candle smells like: “Sophisticated interpretation of Bohemian Chic. Sensuous core of patchouli, deep sweet fig with undertones of elegant precious woods. Wrap yourself into the exotic lushness of faraway lands.”

Of course wrapping myself into the exotic lushness of faraway lands sounds good as fuck and like something I’d love to do.

—But does it smell good as fuck and like something I’d love to do? Let’s see.

DOES IT HAVE A GOOD SMELL?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It smells very bad. It does not have a good smell, which is correct for a candle you buy at Pump, Los Angeles’s sexiest restaurant and frequent G- or H-plot on one of the greatest television dramas of all time. It smells exactly like the kind of fruity gum that is marketed to adults but is still gross and for children, and it smells like that scent turned up to “eleven,” which is a Spinal Tap reference. It’s really nuts how bad it smells, which is perfect. I really love it. It does smell like passionfruit, I’ll say. And I definitely get the overbearing sugary vanilla scent, which is a staple of vanity scent brands. It’s very bad and smells an extreme amount even from within the box. I wonder if this is the kind of candle Jax would steal from SUR? Do you think this is what Jax’s apartment smells like? Do you think this is what Brittany smells like? I would believe that this is what Brittany smells like. A separate question I have is: Do you think Brittany is like the Ed Norton character from Primal Fear? I keep asking people this but no one has see Primal Fear and to explain it ruins the ending of Primal Fear, which is a good movie, so I’d rather not say in case people want to see it. Oh, poor Brittany. I hope she’s like the Ed Norton character from Primal Fear. Anyway this candle does not have a good smell.

IS IT A FALL CANDLE?

No, this is a notime candle but otherwise it is a spring or summer candle.

HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?

This specific candle is currently Sold Out on the Pump website, unfortunately for you, but in an alternate universe in which the Pump “Passion Fruit Vanilla Scented Candle” candle is not in such high demand it would cost you $29.99.

IS IT WORTH $29.99?

Hmm. It’s a horrible scent but it’s a little funny to have, so maybe. Hm. I guess if you were going to buy one thing from the SUR/Pump gift shop I would recommend a SUR hat but if you already have a SUR hat I would recommend this candle.

WHAT IS THE BURN TIME?

It doesn’t say but I can assure you that it is too long.

DOES THE CANDLE LOOK NICE?

Yes! It really does look beautiful. I love the pink. Beautiful “Pump” pink, which I can assure you Lisa loves, too — especially during Pride. A little tree on there, like the really old one she installed in the Pump garden, remember? Remember when Schwartz worked at Pump for one day and had a panic attack and quit? Oh my god, remember when the Toms tried to pitch themselves as brand representatives for Lisa’s sangria? That was so good. “I’m all in.” Haha. What? Tom? Remember when Sandoval was openly hostile to Arianna because she was approached to do a cocktail book and didn’t include him? Remember this season when Schwartz cried because he didn’t have any “drive”? Like, uh, buddy? Of course you don’t have any drive? Remember when they met with the lawyer before they signed the prenup? Remember when James was put into a headlock at work and then fired, and they never said why he got into the fight but everybody kept being like, “What did you say to him?” What do you think he said? Hmm…

IS IT HEAVY?

It has a pleasant weight.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO PUMP OR SUR?

No but I would love to be “scent” there for free and also paid to go, like if someone wanted me to write about it for their website.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE THAT STYLE OF ARTICLE RE: PUMP AND SUR HAS BEEN DONE A LOT AT THIS POINT AND WOULD BE PARTICULARLY NOT WORTHWHILE IF SOMEONE ALSO HAD TO PAY FOR YOUR AIRFARE?

No, I think it would be really good. I’m an entertaining writer.

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS CANDLE TO A FRIEND?

Hmm. No, but I would buy it for a friend as a “joke” potentially. Or, not really a joke, because I imagine this friend likes Vanderpump Rules. So I guess it would be less a joke and more like a good gift that they would love. So I guess that counts as a check.

SCORE:

• Five checks
• Three non-checks
• Two email mes

Pretty good!

Previous candle reviews:

• Carrière Frères, Christmas Tree
• Keap, Lavender + Petals
• Madewell, Cedar And Vetiver
• Miley Cyrus’s Mom’s Candles
• Kerzon, Tuileries Palais-Royal
• goop, edition 02 — shiso
• Seda France, Japanese Quince
• L’Objet, Eau D’Égée Candle №3
• Ellis, Verb
• Empty 2.4 oz Diptyque, Tubéreuse
• Jo Loves, Christmas Trees
• Surf’s Up Candle, Surf Wax
• Keap, Wood Cabin
• NOTE Frangrances, Scranton in the Fall
• Common Good, Lavender and Bergamot
• Ombres Portées, Avenue Saint-Jean