Would You Rather Be Thanksgiving Food Or A Thanksgiving Decoration?

By Kelly Conaboy November 3, 2017

Here’s a pretty good November question to distract you while you’re sitting around the Thanksgiving table with your loved ones who are arguing about Russia and they’re all drunk. Would you rather be a Thanksgiving food or a Thanksgiving decoration? Huh. It’s a tricky question because there are pluses and minuses with each of them. If you’re a Thanksgiving decoration, you’re beautiful. Everyone loves you. You’re a cornucopia or a handprint turkey, or a leaf. You make the atmosphere festive and are a delight to the sense (sight). But for how many days? There’s the rub. Maybe a week, maybe only a day!, and then what? At best, you go back in your box in the closet. At worst you, well, I hate to even mention it, but at worst you’re thrown away. There’s definitely something to be said about having one job all year and doing it well (Fourth of July fireworks, Santa), but it’s still a little sad. With food, though, you get eaten. I guess it’s up to you whether or not you think that’s good. Maybe it’s a sex thing for you, and I’m not judging. Maybe you’re interested in elements of you becoming one with a human. That would be an interesting process to experience firsthand, you have to admit. Plus you would smell so good while you were cooking. There are some people who say, lyingly, that they “don’t like” Thanksgiving food. That would be sad to hear if you’re Thanksgiving food. But you could make yourself feel better knowing there are so many people who love Thanksgiving food, and order it in Gobbler form at Wawa when it’s not even Thanksgiving. It’s hard to remember good things people think about you, though, and so easy to fixate on the bad things. It’s something we all struggle with, and I doubt you’d struggle with it any less as Thanksgiving food. Thanksgiving food is made with love, but so are many Thanksgiving decorations. So that’s fairly even, because you have to imagine there’s also a little bit of spite in the Thanksgiving food, because of family issues. But probably not so much in the decorations. Those I have to imagine are usually made with joy or, at worst, boredom. Maybe you’re wondering: Do I get to pick what food I am, or what decoration? I’m happy to let you know that you do. You can be your favorite. For me, that would be candied sweet potatoes for food and handprint turkey for decoration, not that this is about me. For you, I don’t know. Maybe you like “green beans.” Maybe you’d like to be a “decorative gourd,” like from your favorite humor piece. I don’t know. To be honest, I’m typing into a WordPress document and not speaking to any human at all, let alone “you” in particular, whoever you are. Are you Patrick Redford? I have to imagine at some point you will be, but at this point you’re just an idea, and I can’t assign a Thanksgiving decoration or a Thanksgiving food to an idea. So anyway which would you be?