As the autumn winds a-blow, I spy upon me shore a glow, avast ye, mates, and watch the bough! Madewell the store makes candles now! Aye, have you heard? That was a salty pirate’s poem, but in case you didn’t pick up on the nuances I’ll tell you the main thing you should take away from it: Madewell the store makes candles now.

Just in time for—

Did you know about this? About the candles? Maybe you got the Madewell email that had the subject line, “New dresses, candles (!), jewelry…,” or maybe you saw the candles on their website in the “HOME & GIFT” section. Or maybe you saw someone mention it in a tweet. If you did and you’re like me at all—young, beautiful, the “Jack Handey” of candle reviews and everyone thinks so—your first thought was, “I should ask to be given one of those.” So I did. And I was!

Madewell says it wants its candle line to contain “the kind of warm, familiar scents that create instant atmosphere.” That is what I will want for my eventual candle line, also, and also I will want a candle that smells like gasoline and one that smells like Home Depot. Here is their description of the “cedar & vetiver” ceramic candle scent:

Like opening a cedar chest of age-old spices (berries, tobacco, patchouli, vetiver, incense, cedar).

Ah, brevity is the soul of wick. And, of course, opening a cedar chest of age-old spices sounds good as fuck!!!!!!!!

—But is opening a cedar chest of age-old spices good as fuck? Let’s see.

DOES IT HAVE A GOOD SMELL?

Ahh. Ehhh. Listen.  You know I hate to be rude. The candle has a fine smell. It’s like a patchouli-wearing guy entered the idea of a church, but you zoom out and actually it’s a tableau your grandma put together for her home during the holidays, and she kept it in a cedar closet until now. But it has a blanket over it, so it’s all sort of muted.

Get it?????????

It’s not very exciting. Or, um, good. But it’s not very unpleasant. And it was very cold this morning and I lit it and it was holiday-ish and sort of not great in pleasant, nostalgic sort of way. So. : )

IS IT A FALL CANDLE?

Yes, it is a fall and winter candle. Maybe more winter than fall, but it’s probably going to get cold very fast, so. Yes.

HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?

This candle costs a very reasonable $18. And right now it’s 30% off!

IS IT WORTH $18?

It seems rude to say a candle that allegedly lasts for 45 hours, which will we get to next, and which comes in a ceramic vessel that you can reuse, which we will get to after that, and which has a not-very-unpleasant scent, which we got to earlier, is not worth $18. But. Well. Madewell has nice underwear now, too, and my suggestion would be: if you’re going to spend $18 at Madewell, get the underwear.

But this candle is not a bad deal at $18.

So.

It gets half a check.

WHAT IS THE BURN TIME?

The burn time is 45 hours which seems probably true, even though my personal opinion is that all burn times are lies. I burned it for a few hours this morning and it didn’t disappear very quickly.

DOES THE CANDLE LOOK NICE?

Yeah, sure. It looks like a candle you’d get to decorate the apartment you move into right after you graduate college, which is what I assume the majority of Madewell’s candle audience is shopping for. So it’s appropriate. (It’s certainly not Madewell’s fault that I am so sophisticated [even though I am quite young].)

What I’m looking forward to with this candle is when it’s all gone and I can use the ceramic vessel as a mug. I think it’s going to be my third-favorite mug, after my Barack Obama mug, which is my second favorite, and my anthropomorphized bagel mug, which is my favorite.

IS IT HEAVY?

It is pleasantly heavy, yes.

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS CANDLE TO A FRIEND:

Please don’t force me to be rude.

SCORE:

• 1 not very unpleasant
• 4.5 checks
• 1 mug!
• 1 non-check

Pretty good!

Previous candle reviews:

• Miley Cyrus’s Mom’s Candles
• Kerzon, Tuileries Palais-Royal
• goop, edition 02 — shiso
• Seda France, Japanese Quince
• L’Objet, Eau D’Égée Candle №3
• Ellis, Verb
• Empty 2.4 oz Diptyque, Tubéreuse
• Jo Loves, Christmas Trees
• Surf’s Up Candle, Surf Wax
• Keap, Wood Cabin
• NOTE Frangrances, Scranton in the Fall
• Common Good, Lavender and Bergamot
• Ombres Portées, Avenue Saint-Jean