The Three Seconds Between Saying “Oh” and “My God” Are The Only Peaceful Moments I Get All Day

Image: Jonas Bengtsson via Flickr

When a friend says something shocking or even surprising, I respond with a long, drawn out “oh….my god.” I pause for exactly three seconds between the “oh” and “my god,” and this has the effect of making the friend feel as though what he or she just said was absolutely shocking. Little do they know—I’m not doing it for dramatic effect. I’m doing it because the only peaceful moments I get all day are those few blissful seconds between saying “oh” and “my god.”

We live in a world riddled with technology and instant accessibility. I never get a break from responding to emails and liking posts on Facebook. I even check my Instagram in the middle of the night, just to make sure no one has twisted their ankles sliding into my DMs or gotten stuck for too long in my thirst traps. I crave alone time and solitude, but I worry that our modern society has made it impossible to come across. The only time I can ever catch a break is in between saying “oh” and “my god.” It’s like my own personal meditation, and it’s one that I can work into any conversation.

I’m not a religious woman. I want to be clear that I don’t say “oh my god” to refer to my actual God, because I don’t have one. I say “oh my god” because I’ve gotten used to using the expression and now, if I don’t ever say “oh my god,” I don’t get those three seconds of calm that I’ve come to depend on. In many ways, even though I don’t actually believe in God, you can say that the expression “oh my god” has saved me. It allows me time to look inward, center myself, and plan exactly what I’m going to eat for lunch. Without the phrase “oh my god,” I might be stuck eating a turkey sandwich every day. My god does that sound dull.

I’d highly recommend you yourself try to find peace in between the words “oh” and “my god.” I can assure you, it will be relaxing, and you can take as much time as you need. No one dares interrupt a person in the middle of saying “oh my god.”  If someone were to interrupt such a spiritual act, the whole conversation would turn on them. There’s nothing anyone wants more than to hear someone finish their “oh my god.” It’s really the only thing that men are guaranteed to listen to, so I highly recommend you take advantage of it and pause long and hard before you embark on your “my god.”

I’d like to add that “OMG” (phonetically ‘oh em gee’) can’t be generalized in the same way. If you pause for too long between the “OH” and the “EM GEE,” people may wonder why you needed to save yourself time by using an acronym in the first place.