Stovetop popcorn is the way to go. Don’t believe me? OK, Joe. Throw yourself in to the snow. Land on top of a rainbow. That was a song, but this is the truth: if you don’t believe me you can eat shit!

I don’t have a microwave because buying one seems like a use of money so boring that I am already asleep just thinking about it and because I am waiting on science to develop the one-mug microwave. This has forced me to establish other cooking methods such as 1. eating food cold; 2. burning coffee on the stove to reheat it; 3. making popcorn in a pot on the stove. I recommend number three for a set of reasons that I will share with you now. (Number one is fine.)

The price difference in pre-bagged popcorn kernels and non-pre-bagged is nothing less than remarkable. I don’t know what “Jet.com” is but it comes up when I search for “Pop Secret” and it seems to be an online store, so we’ll use their price points. On “Jet.com,” a six-pack of Pop Secret microwave popcorn is $4.68. Each bag is 3.2 ounces, bringing your total to 19.2 ounces. (This is written on the box, you do not need to trust my math.) At the same webstore (“Jet.com”) you can buy 27 ounces of the unbagged kernels called “Bobs Red Mill Corn Popcorn White” for $4.53.

GET IT??????????????

What you’re ostensibly paying for is convenience, which I understand. I am not one to balk* at paying for convenience. I drop off my laundry, I have taken cabs. I sometimes order groceries with my computer and then they arrive at my house in a box, which I then pay someone to deconstruct and bring downstairs to the recycling area just kidding I do those parts myself. But I do order groceries online sometimes, that part’s true, so I understand. However, there are conveniences that are worth it (dropping off your laundry [if you do not have access to a washer and dryer]) and conveniences that are not worth it (microwaving your popcorn) and the convenience of microwaving your popcorn is not a convenience that is worth it. Here are my reasons:

• It’s easy to do it in a pot on the stove.
• Make a lotta trash with the individual bags, then you have to recycle the box.
• When you microwave popcorn your whole house smells like buttered popcorn chemical for 100 hours.
• Popcorn comes out better when you do it on the stove.
• It’s just one pot you gotta wash.
• Don’t be a baby.

The smell. Ugh! The smell of a bag of popcorn. The smell of a burnt bag of popcorn? My god. Once, freshman year of college, a duo of young men in my hall dropped a bottle of whisky on the floor of their doom room right as the RA was coming around to check if there was any whisky in there, or whatever. I forget. But the RA was coming around so the quick-thinking young men cleaned up the mess and, ingeniously, burned a bag of popcorn to cover the smell. The results were excellent. The RA did not notice the alcohol smell or never really cared in the first place. This is a good tip for if you’re a college freshman in this exact scenario and also a good tip if you’re looking for an example of a reason to avoid making microwave popcorn and to instead make stovetop popcorn: the smell (of microwave popcorn).

How do you make popcorn on the stove? It’s very easy. You put some oil down, wait til it gets hot, pop one kernel in there, and then add some more in a single layer, and put the lid on. Once they start popping, you shake it around a little for like a minute. This will fill your pot to the brim with fluffy popcorn. Then, after you’ve emptied the pot of its popcorn, why not, how about melt a little butter in there (in the pot) and throw it on top. You deserve it. Then you pour a glass of wine and now you’re ready to go.

You can also play around with popcorn additions. Maybe you want to put rosemary in there. Maybe you want to put hot peppers. Maybe you want to put, I don’t know, whatever. Etc., etc. Other things. Sage. The sky is the limit, when it comes to popcorn.

So, there you have it. I make popcorn almost never but this is what I have to say on the stovetop vs. microwave issue.

*(Alex Balk)