Fantastic New-to-Market Apartments from a Realtor You Never Contacted

Image: Orin Zebest via Flickr

1. You’ll love this beautiful top-floor townhouse apartment. It’s drenched with sunlight all day. And all night! from floodlights that are part of a never-ending search for an escaped convict. He is very very good at murder and very very hard to catch.

2. This apartment is cozy, so cozy it can fit up your nose. Be careful not to squish it between your fingers or lose it in the bottom of your purse! Too cute.

3. Another great option is this quiet, charming brownstone that allows no cats, no dogs, and no people.

4. In this recently renovated luxury building, you’ll find high end, stainless-steel appliances filled with fresh kill from a previous owner’s hunting excursion. Mmm!

5. This amazing 2-bedroom is convenient to everything: trains, restaurants, coffee shops, parks, and all your enemies armed with specific, biting insults based on your top insecurities.

6. I just love this adorable walk-up building. It comes with a very attentive landlord. He likes to meet every potential client, as he lives right in the building, under your bed. FYI: he’ll also need to see a picture of any pets. He prefers them fattened up a little.

7. This sprawling one bedroom has a whole lot of space, more space than you’ll know what to do with! Because below the unit is a charming basement-level torture cave that spans two city blocks! Maybe you can use it as an office?

8. Located on a beautiful tree-lined street, this building is an exclusive, hidden gem that no one has been able to get in or out of for the past 14 years.

9. Talk about amenities! Here’s a unit with a washer dryer: a tiny woman who will wash and dry your clothes, then live between your shower and your shower curtain liner.

10. Another spot that would be great for your commute recently opened up: It’s just a damp couch in the back corner of your office building.

I’ll be calling and texting you throughout your workday and deep into the afterlife until I hear back from you. Between these amazing options I think we’ll get you in a new home in no time! 🙂