A Notice Regarding Current Pants Trends

Hi All,

Earlier this spring, you may have noticed various elite Cool Women wearing giant, ballooning pantaloons and swelling, sail-like culottes and wide-legged, high-waisted, raw-hemmed flood pants and thought: “wait, when did that happen” and “oh, okay, so everyone is wearing a different type of pant than the type of pant that I thought we were supposed to be wearing” and “but how did they all know that those pants were suddenly the pants that everyone should wear.”

With any sharp reversal in policy there is inevitable uncertainty, and we’d like to clear up any confusion.

Following an initial beta-testing phase, we are pleased to announce to the wider community of cool-adjacent women that gaucho pants and all gaucho-like pants are, without question, cool again. We have full confidence that this strategy will be upheld in a coordinated and consistent fashion. Furthermore, we trust you stored your gauchos in a safe, dark place following our 2006 memo on the subject, titled “Gauchos: Briefly In Style But In Style No More, So Go Ahead and Burn Them and Use The Ashes To Fertilize Succulents, Which Aren’t Cool Yet But Will Be In Six or Seven Years.”

After years of static growth in the experimental pants department — primarily due to our relentless pushing of skinny jeans as the paragon of pants—we are pleased to see growth in the wacky trouser sector.

Some might be wondering how, exactly, to pull off the high-waisted wide-legged denim look. Our guiding suggestion is that comfort is not key. In fact, if the denim feels as though it is made out of the withered trampoline of an ancient catamaran that has washed up upon the shore of a parched Pacific island … PERFECT. Especially if the pants are short enough to leave your ankle exposed, and high enough such that the waistline digs in right beneath the tender flesh of your belly-button.

In conclusion, we appreciate your understanding and cooperation. Please stay tuned for our follow-up memo, entitled “Even When the Permafrost Melts and the Entire Human Race Is Decimated By Ancient Bacteria, Athleisure Will Never Die.”

Ciao!

Global Management

Image: Michael Cory

Justine Neubarth is a (newly) LA-based writer. She needs friends. You can start that process by following her on Twitter: @ThatJustine.