Text Me, Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio text me on the phone.

A bad thing is cell phones because they’re always exploding and they instantly connect you to things that make you feel angry and sad and stressed out and you can’t stop looking at those things because it’s just what your fingers and eyes do now naturally, but a good thing is also cell phones because when you’re at a party you don’t have to talk to anyone.

Environmental activist and founding member of the Pussy Posse Leonardo DiCaprio knows this about cell phones, and you can read about it in Page Six:

“Leo was with the owner of Spring Studios and a bunch of ladies, but he was on his phone the whole time,” the eyewitness told us. “After the cocktail party, we went down to the sixth floor. He was on his phone the whole time texting.”

This insider also added that Leo “has a stomach now,” which, if you ask me, tells you more about the “insider” than it does Leonardo DiCaprio who, you must agree, has had a stomach for a while now no offense.

Was Leonardo DiCaprio actually texting someone on the phone, or was he fake texting someone in order to avoid having to talk to anyone at the party? The Hairpin can’t say. However, in case it is the second option, the Hairpin would like to extend an offer to Leonardo DiCaprio: text me on the phone. (Me = Kelly Conaboy.)

I love to text with friends. Chat about this and that. Hear gossip, tell gossip. Say a joke. Say a complaint. Say, “I can’t believe Donald Trump is the president.” What else. Send an unsolicited photo of my dog:

Etc. So. This offer isn’t for everyone, it actually is for no one except Leonardo DiCaprio, please don’t ask to text me, but I would like to say to Leonardo DiCaprio: please feel free to text me on the phone if you need someone to text at a party. Probably I’ll be available to text. And I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t prioritize your texts over, at least, some other texts (Jesse David Fox’s).

You (again, you = Leonardo DiCaprio exclusively) can email me for my phone number, kelly at the hairpin dot com.

Love,

Kelly Conaboy