Sex Tips from Hans Christian Andersen

He’s ready to help some poor unfortunate souls.

Dear Hans,

I am in love with my best friend. There are obviously some complications. The main one is that she’s straight and I’m well… not. At first this didn’t matter, we met at school and for a long time it was 100% platonic. Really. We were just friends… best friends. We met our freshman year and were totally inseparable. We ate together, studied together and often would fall asleep in the same bed watching “Mad About You” together. It was totally chaste!

However, everything changed when we joined bell choir. Something about those bells… those… white gloves. I started looking at her differently. I blame it on the bells. I thought it would pass, but then the winter holiday concert happened. I walked into the cold Church and started to shiver. Without missing a beat my friend took off her hoodie and wordlessly draped it over my shoulders. *swoon* In that moment I just knew it. CRAP! I’M IN LOVE! Am I doomed? I feel so guilty?! I don’t want our friendship to end but… ah! what should I do?

—Sleepless with Sliver Bells

Bells,

For you it was a hoodie, for me it was a cloak. His name was Edvard Collin. He was my friend and I loved him. Well, more than that I loved him and thought about his hot sweaty ass all the time. These feelings began one day when he took off his cloak and threw it around me and “it warmed not only my body but made my heart grow still more ardently.” Oh how I languished for him “as a pretty Calabrian wench.” And you know those bitches be crazy. So yeah… I was into him.

My dear Bells, I would ask does your very special friend share your desires? Does she ask to watch Mad About You aka the sexiest sitcom ever? Does she find other moments to softly touch your shoulders under the guise of providing warming garments? Hmmm. Perhaps she is not so innocent after-all? In any case though, you probably should not act on these desires. You wouldn’t want to risk scaring her away. Do not declare yourself. When you feel overwhelmed, anxious, driven out of your mind with lust and self-loathing just go to your bedroom and masturbate. It always works for me.

++ Hans

Dear Hans,

There’s this guy. He is so hot. He plays lacrosse, he was homecoming king, he knits pot-holders for the ASPCA. In short, he’s the total package. I’m the equipment manager for the lacrosse team. I took the job just to be close to him, yet I can barely speak around him. At first he thought I had some type of developmental issue. Now, I’m pretty sure he knows I’m just obsessed with him. He does however let me carry his lacrosse stick around, even outside of school! That’s nice. I enjoy that. But I yearn for more… I yearn for him to kiss me. Just one kiss. One… long, hot, somewhat slobbery kiss. What can I do to get him to notice me or at the very least how can I trick him into making out with me?

—These Lips were Made for Kissing not Talking.

Lips,

Oh, “I know what you want and it is very stupid of you.” My dear precious child, you’ll never get what you want. This man doesn’t see you as a romantic prospect. In his world you exist merely to serve him. You are like a dish towel or a kebab stick, he’ll use you and then throw you away. Stop carrying around his stuff. Save yourself the heartache, quit that job and try to avoid him. I get it, your “blood wants love as does (your) heart.”

It ain’t gonna happen.

Sure, you’ll pine. We always pine. But don’t forget, there is always self-pleasure. Indeed, you should try to ‘enjoy life. There is plenty of time to be dead’.

+++Hans

Dear Hans,

I can not take this anymore. I am so desperate. I think I might burst if I don’t have sex soon. I am a twenty-four year old virgin. I’m not terrible looking or anything, but for some reason I can’t find anyone who will deflower me. Can you say deflower when you’re a dude? Whatever. So, I met this lady at work, Jennifer. Gods she is hot. She always helps me when the copier gets jammed. So hot. I thought she was into me too so I texted her:

“Sup, Jenn. Do you want to get some fried chicken with me this weekend ;)”

Her response?

“Bro, I would love to but I’ve got a super hot date. Take care!”

What is that crap?! Bro? Then she tells me about her date? Take Care?!! What?! OK so maybe I shouldn’t have done a winky face emoticon. What does this mean? What do I do? Do you think I still have a shot?

—Mister Chicken

Chicken,

Poor lad. I’ve been there. There is nothing more demoralizing than when the object of your desire refers to you as her brother. I too loved and lusted after a woman named Jenny. Her name was Jenny Lind, a most beautiful opera singer. Her rejection letter (much like that text message) was devastating. “Farewell God bless and protect my brother is the sincere wish of his affectionate sister, Jenny.” Burn. Why didn’t she just spit on me?

I feel for you, Chicken. She’s essentially saying that not only does she not want to have sex with you, the mere thought of your naked body fills her with incestuous disgust. Cold. So, to answer your question, NO I don’t think you have a shot with your Jennifer.

However, There are some lovely brothels in town. My favorite pastime is to visit the brothels for lively conversation and then retreat to my home for self-stimulation. It sates the lusts of the blood… for an hour or so anyway.

+ Hans

Hans,

As a kid I was always a bit of an ugly duckling. I had braces, I struggled with my weight, I used to wear this really ugly pink canvas hat with a giant fake daisy. Everyone teased me. I always ate lunch alone. I was a total mess. Then, everything changed when I turned 17. I got my braces off and I grew breasts.It feels odd to say, but now I’m actually rather fetching.

Everyone wants to eat lunch with me. Teachers, boys, girls… they all adore me. It’s hard to know who my real friends are. Everyone wants to take me to school dances and out to the movies. I don’t know who to date or who I should be friends with, I don’t even know who I should have lunch with! I’m so confused!

—Duckie-Turned-Swan

Swan,

Yeah, I feel really bad for you.

Look, for now just enjoy your new found popularity. You’re right, these people might not like you for your inner beauty but that doesn’t mean they can’t buy you lunch. Enjoy your good fortune. ENJOY all your romantic trysts. Bask in admiration of your peers and betters. Enjoy NEVER being sexually rejected. Enjoy being ADORED by men and women. ENJOY.

You know what? I gotta get going….. Yeah. I gotta go.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hans

Note for the reader: As with my diary the sign of “+” marks the number of times I have successfully masturbated while responding to each of your queries — Hans Christian Andersen