It’s Insane That Anyone Goes Camping

As a rule I like my opinion pieces to be airtight and unimpeachable. As a reader, you’ve come to expect this from me. I know. Because of that I’d like to warn you that this opinion is not that, exactly — this opinion is a little weaker than my usual opinions. It’s slightly, but only slightly, less unimpeachable. (I’m telling you this in confidence and with your promise that you will continue to read and that you will then share this post on Twitter.) There are some people I like who are going to disagree with this opinion and that’s just because they’re wrong, but maybe in a way that makes them “happy.” OK. Now we’re all on the same page. The opinion is that it’s insane that anyone goes camping.

I understand it can be nice to awake to the sounds of birds and the smell of a tree. Mountains around you, or something like this. Sand underneath, if you’re camping on sand. Stars above you at night. This all sounds nice in theory and perhaps in practice under perfect conditions (no bugs, a bed, walls around you, see-through ceiling). But also it seems very insane and worse than normal I don’t understand why anyone does it.

Imagine photos you’ve seen of people camping. Sort of dreary outside, it’s grey, the campers have a bunch of waterproof clothing on. A bunch of cumbersome camping gear around them. A big stick in their hand. “My camping stick.” Mud on the ground. They’re cold. What…the fuck? What are they doing? They can go inside and yet they do not. It’s very insane.

Camping gear — how much does that cost? A lot, it seems like. A tent. Sleeping bag. Whatever else you need, flashlights, etc. Batteries. Something to keep the food in so a BEAR doesn’t get it. A bear! Spending money to sleep outside where you have to protect your food from a bear. You know you already pay for an apartment? In the greatest city on earth? If you live in New York City? Or maybe just a fine normal place, if you don’t live in New York City, and actually you even live in a house? What are you doing?!!!!

This isn’t about me, but, just so you can trust that I speak from experience, I have been camping one time. It was rainy and cold — typical for camping. I slept on the ground in a tent and it was wet. Sleeping on the wet ground even though I paid for a dry (if mouse-infested) apartment in the great city of Philadelphia? Crazy. I was in college and had my whole life ahead of me, and look at where I am now. Nowhere. Because of camping? Impossible to say for sure.

I HATED IT!!!!!!!!!

Even though I love to have fun!

Bugs. Oh, my god. BUGS! Outside is where bugs live. You’re in the bugs’ house now. Normally you can be be mad about a bug in your house, but when you’re in the bugs’ house? They can be mad at you now. Bite you, etc. Crawl on you. Buzz in your ear. Sting you. Land on you. You asked for it this time. You decided to move into their spot uninvited even though you have a fine enough spot of your own.

Cooking food over a fire. That’s fine, I guess. That’s nice, sitting around a fire. You don’t need to go camping for that, though. Something better than camping is if you can go somewhere with a fire pit. Maybe your friend lives in upstate New York and his property has a fire pit. Or something like that. You can take a trip with your friends there, sit around the fire pit, roast marshmallows, drink a beer or a wine. Tell a ghost story. Then go inside, take a shower, and go to bed. 🙂

It is nice to sleep under stars. (Once I slept on a friend’s outdoor trampoline.) Also something that sounds nice is camping on a beach…hearing waves. I’ve never done it, but I would be open to doing it once for one night. This is why I said my opinion was not as unimpeachable as it has been consistently otherwise. I “like” outdoors, to a point. I’ve gone on “hikes.” I like to look up at the stars for “romance.” I like to breathe “fresh air” and not have to hear “ambulances.” But camping…Well, the thing about camping is you have to admit it’s insane and almost everyone who says they enjoy it is lying and that is a fact.

In summation:

CAMPING:

• Cold
• Bugs
• Wet
• Hassle
• Expensive
• No bathroom

NO CAMPING:

• Nice
• Good
• Pleasant
• Comfortable
• Can still go outside
• Indoor bathroom with a sink
• Maybe go on a hike then go get a beer and fries
• No bugs
• No bears
• Don’t have to lug around camping equipment
• Don’t have to sleep in mud
• Don’t have to wear all waterproof clothing and look miserable
• You can wake up early and go to the forest or whatever