How To Sit In Pictures

Since standing in them is a losing battle.

Imagine this: someone brings out a camera and you get excited to have your picture taken. Crazy, right? Hear me out. You know where to put your hands and face. Intrigued? You know “your side.” Problem areas get siphoned into the ether by your mastery of angles and lighting. Right there in front of someone else’s eyes you eliminate something real and fashion a new reality. You are literally a magician.

Want to take a photo now? Of course you do.

Now, drop back down into your actual mannequin body. Sorry. But wasn’t that fun? Walking among those lucky or diligent enough for whom posing in photos comes naturally, and who by the way make me very aware of my own march towards death?

Nowhere is an ineptitude for pose more apparent than when you’re standing in pictures. This seems to be due in large part to your limbs being made to exist on their own. Arms and legs coming “as is” don’t offer much in the way of respite for Standing While Uncertain, and in fact they act a bit like air traffic controllers on a runway. This way, they say, to the bad place. And unless there are things to lean on, getting creative with your arms and and legs in pictures while standing seems like a great way to express something sinister in an otherwise neutral scenario.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

As I alluded to earlier, based on a brass-tacks evaluation of capabilities and energy I’m willing to invest, this is not something I’m going to best in my lifetime. I will go to my grave without ever taking a standing picture that doesn’t look I’ve been caught at the exact moment of doing something wrong and trying to keep it chill. But I’m willing to compromise:

I’m willing to figure out how to sit in pictures.

Sitting in pictures is doable. Sitting, in fact, seems like something you could totally nail. Consider everything you have at your disposal: leaning, knee and ankle placement, elbow and hand placement, arm rests, cushions occasionally, and in general a less reliant presence of posture.

Think of the combinations. So many different ways to sit. What is the best way to sit, for me personally, but maybe also for you? What might each say? Let’s investigate.

Crossed arms leaning on lap with crossed legs

This says you’re approachable but firm. It’s getting away with a lifetime of saying exactly what you’re thinking at all times because people mistake your brutal honesty for a joke. “You’re so funny.” This feeds you.

Crossed arms leaning on lap with knees together

Hey, why not mix the casual with the careful? This says you may be high, but you were on time, and isn’t that something.

Both arms on their respective rests with crossed legs

This says no one knows you can speak five languages, which is something you’ve gone out of your way to keep from people? I don’t know, seems like a lot of work, especially for something that if brought to life could benefit you in many ways. It’s intriguing, I’ll give you that.

One casual hand in lap with knees and ankles together

This kind of knack for subtle precision says you’re the person in the office who everyone assumed would remain voiceless until the very last day where you would then announce exactly one sentiment that, “It’s been a pleasure to work with you all,” before exiting with your belongings, but also that you’re capable of a one-liner that could destroy someone’s entire sense of self. This is you having never once burnt garlic.

Legs folded into themselves with hands in lap

Well, here is Fun Teacher. Question: do you want to be the fun teacher? I’ll admit that at the time they seemed like they had life really figured out, but in looking back, don’t they seem a bit sad? Not pathetic, actually sad. Sad like, “Life is just one day after the other” sad. I dunno, maybe think about it.

Leaning on one arm, the other in the lap with knees together

This one feels like a person with just the right amount of pessimism when the moment allows for it. If this were you as a flight attendant and your plane was going down, rather than assume your emergency duties, you’d calmly go to drink service, open three mini bottles of whiskey, and down the hatch they’d go.

Leaning on one arm, the other in the lap with legs crossed

This says you’re over the bullshit. And it’s all bullshit, buddy.

One arm hanging on the top cushion, the other in the lap with legs crossed

This kind of overt confidence cannot exist without diligence. Confidence is a commodity so valued that people feel compelled to remark on it, and so to proceed on unaffected while still posing very confidently is a commitment to a brand. This is where you think you’re a Samantha but you’re actually a Charlotte!

Hands crossed at the wrists on lap with knees together

On its surface, this one seems to exude a path to mental and spiritual wellness. A chill untouched. Except what this also says is people don’t know you have a running list of everyone who’s ever slighted you accompanied by their greatest weakness should the opportunity to exploit them ever present itself.

Arms hanging at unmatched lengths in lap with outstretched legs crossed at the ankles

There is no other way to describe this than this being the friend in the car who earnestly cranks their elbow up and down whenever you pass a mack truck. It’s this kind of down for whatever attitude that also makes you the friend that someone calls when they need the no-questions-asked kind of help that involves something illegal.

One arm in the lap with knees together and ankles apart

This is that friend who you’re never quite sure physically or mentally where they are. There is a certain boldness to them that is both intriguing and a bit scary. This says you’re the kind of person who leaves a party one night and the next time anyone sees you is two years later in a picture on Facebook of you at your job operating hot air balloons in some remote mountain town.

Let’s see, are there more ways to sit? Probably. Also possible: this is all of them. With that in mind, I’ve gotta go with be leaning on one arm, the other in lap with knees together. A safe choice considering this is a hypothetical activity of my own making. Pretty casual hand in lap with knees and ankles together of me when you think about it.