Sappho’s Burn Book

What she really thought of those Olympians.

“you burn me”

—an actual fragment of a Sappho poem as translated by Anne Carson.

Cronus

Total stoner.

Poseidon

The earth shaker? Please. He can barely make the headboard move. Yes, I have a headboard. I’m really fancy.

Eros

Pudgy and impotent. That’s why he’s always carrying that arrow around.

Zeus

Freak with a thing for golden showers.

Dionysus

Lips dripping with vino. In vino veritas? Nay, in vino…. there is a hot mess.

Ares

This hothead is not hot.

Artemis

I’d rather be shot in the face with one of her moonbeam arrows than see her naked.

Hestia

Her face has been stained.

Hephaestus

His face has also been stained.

Apollo

Swift-footed God? Please you can’t catch me.

Aphrodite

Just another tramp in a clam shell.

Hera

Actually yeah, she’s pretty cool. Love that peacock, girlfriend.