Boyfriends For Sale

Mm, mmm.

Picture a warm cabin tucked away on a snowy hillside. The inside smells nice, like fireplace and cedar. There’s music playing and it’s very pleasant. You’re reading a novel you’re enjoying, and you’re relaxed, knowing there’s a full week of vacation ahead of you. Your boyfriend is in the kitchen, brewing you a cup of strong coffee. He asks you a question, but you can’t quite hear. You turn towards him and say, “Hm, babe?”

He says, again:

Oh, my gosh. You love him. It’s your boyfriend, the wax statue of Richard Nixon from The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum in Gettysburg, PA, the inventory of which is now up for auction through PA Onsite Auction Co.

You’re feeling drained after a long day at work. You need to unwind. You collapse on your couch and are feeling a little restless. And a little hungry. And like you’d like a glass of wine. But, ugh, you don’t feel like making dinner. Wait…what’s that?

Hm?

A text from your boyfriend asking if you’d like him to take you to your —

Oh, my gosh. You love him. It’s your boyfriend, the wax statue of James Madison from The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum in Gettysburg, PA, the inventory of which is now up for auction through PA Onsite Auction Co.

You’re lost on a crowded city street. You’re new in town (you and your boyfriend just moved here for a work opportunity he knew you couldn’t pass up) and you thought you knew your way around, but somehow you can’t figure out how to get back home. You’re tired and starting to feel a little scared. Just then the crowd parts and you see…

Is that…

Oh, my gosh. You love him. It’s your boyfriend, the wax statue of Abe Lincoln from The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum in Gettysburg, PA, the inventory of which is now up for auction through PA Onsite Auction Co.

You wake up on a snowy winter weekend morning. “What would make this perfect,” you think, “would be if I’d thought in advance to buy cinnamon rolls.” Damn. Just then, your buzzer rings. Through the crackle of your apartment’s speaker system you hear:

Oh, my gosh. You love him. It’s your boyfriend, the wax statue of Martin Van Buren from The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum in Gettysburg, PA, the inventory of which is now up for auction through PA Onsite Auction Co.

It’s raining outside. Unfortunately, you already promised your boyfriend that you’d go to drinks with his friends. You get along with them, and enjoy hanging out with them normally, but in the rain? Ehhhh. You don’t really feel like going out in the rain. You look at your boyfriend and before you even open your mouth he says:

Oh, my gosh. You love him. It’s your boyfriend, the wax statue of Dwight D. Eisenhower from The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum in Gettysburg, PA, the inventory of which is now up for auction through PA Onsite Auction Co.

Yay! Buy your boyfriend today.