This Is Not a Smile

Attn: rich white guys.

Smiling’s tight because it’s such a nuanced endeavor. Everyone has their own way of doing it, it doesn’t always represent the same emotion for every person, it has varying cultural implications, and according to some scientists it’s a practice that’s developed over millions of years.

This alleged origin of smiling ties back to something these scientists have dubbed the “fear grin,” wherein apes and monkeys reveal the contents of their mouths “with barely clinched teeth” to subordinate themselves to an opponent. This doesn’t make a ton of sense to me because it’s sort of like, “Nothing to see here, just the sharpest parts of my body on display to ensure you that I’m not a threat, friend!” but it sure does add another layer of complexity to this whole thing.

So what does it really mean when we smile? Are we happy or just relieved our faces aren’t being torn off? Are our smiles a plea for peace? Is life really that fucked up that we’ve evolved to endear ourselves to the thing we most fear?

These and other questions. What we can know is what we don’t know, which is anything. That at a certain point the concept of smiling is such a delicate combination of biology, intent, environment and style that to make a clear distinction as to what is and isn’t smile becomes impossible. And yet I know one thing to be true:

Simply raising your upper lip to reveal one row of teeth and gums is not a smile.

If it were a smile, which, again, it’s not, this would be the small talk equivalent of that thing that happens when you say hello to someone and they preemptively respond with “Good.” It’s a positive frown. It’s one of those car decals of Calvin peeing. This is only knowing how to make yourself Easy Mac. It’s a Chad. It’s having your favorite movie be Varsity Blues. It’s asking someone if they know who your dad is. This is literally Butthead of Beavis and Butthead’s mouth’s natural state. This is asking the photo taker if they got that new CD.

If you wanted to get someone to look like this in a picture instead of going, “Say cheese!” you’d go, “Everybody hnnnghhh!” This is the traffic equivalent of driving down the shoulder and cutting back in a mile down the road as if you’re the only genius who thought of that idea. It’s yelling “Freebird!” twice at a concert, any concert, because you think the reason no one laughed the first time is because they didn’t hear you. It’s proudly stating, “I don’t drink water,” as if that’s an honorable feat. This is responding “maybe” to Facebook invitation.

This is, yes, a power move, as it’s literally the least amount of effort you could put forth in a picture, beyond just keeping your mouth neutral, which is its own nightmare. “Here’s one row of teeth and gums,” isn’t a presentation of submission, it’s a big ol’ F.U. to you and yours.

Hey, at least it looks great, and not at all like you live at the bottom of the ocean. Keep it up, guys!

Erin Sullivan is a writer on the internet. Find her at Autostraddle or Twitter.