Local Woman Has 4 Shopping Days Left To Remind You She’s Jewish

LOCAL WOMAN HAS 4 MORE SHOPPING DAYS TO REMIND YOU, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, THAT SHE’S JEWISH

Oy vey.

SHARON, MA — Methodically weaving her way through the tinsel-strewn, carol-soaked “maze of seasonal greed,” local woman, Melissa Levine, 38, dodges “Christ-based consumerism” as she claws her way through Target on a quest for a menorah. “My daughter threw ours against the wall when I told her she couldn’t get an Elf on the Shelf. They’re creepy,” Levine continued. “Also, we’re Jewish.”

This is Levine’s third trip to Target today. The first was to return a book her son Jacob, 6, received as a Secret Santa gift at his public elementary school. “It was ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas.’ I guess the ‘secret’ is that Santa doesn’t know we’re Jewish.” The second trip was to buy some paint. “When your kid’s teacher says that Santa won’t find her house unless it’s lit up like Disney World, you will find your daughter drawing strings of lights with a Sharpie on your brand new garage door.” Levine’s smile is that of an exhausted woman. “She’s known that Santa doesn’t exist since she was 2,” she sighs. “Also, we’re Jewish.”

As her third trip nears its close, Levine places the menorah on the belt at the register. “I had to ask three different employees before I could find it but, sure enough, there it was with the salad dressings.” The cashier, Debbie C., 58, greets Levine with a smile. “Back again, are we?” She needs a price check on the menorah. “Is this a pen holder?” Levine exhales with the force of a people that have braved centuries of Christmases before her. “It’s a menorah,” she sighs. “For Hanukkah.” Debbie hands over her receipt with a smile. “Merry Christmas!”

As she puts her shopping bag in the back of her Lexus hybrid, Levine shakes her head. “It’s hard enough trudging through the season, meeting every ‘Merry Christmas’ with a ‘Happy Holidays.’ But to hear it THREE times today from Debbie…”

When asked to elaborate, Levine simply says, “She goes to my Temple.”

Toby Herman is a comedy writer and television producer in LA. She is also a girl. Besides water, she retains useless pop culture information and the phone numbers to her high school friends’ parents’ landlines. She will go to her grave proclaiming that Grease 2 is better than Grease.