A 2016 Gift Guide That Will Be Completely Unhelpful To You

Because it specifically applies only to my life

For your dad:

You know that Rachel McAdams movie where she marries a time traveling Weasly brother? You need to get that power, go back in time and wear a different outfit so that he can un-see your secret thigh tattoo and be free from that burden.

For your mom:

Yourself in a wedding dress, holding a giant pile of cash.

For your little sister:

Your abandoned hopes and dreams.

For your sister’s new cat:

A plane ride back to New York City baby because you’re totally stealing that cat! Ha ha!

For your best friend:

A check for her role as Therapist №2 in the screenplay of your life.

For your best friend’s dog:

A squeaky toy that looks kind of like a piece of French bread and also like a light tan colored poo, but it has a pencil mustache and beret…so it must be French bread…right?

For your doctor:

A tasteful holiday card that says, “I’m sorry for abusing the MyChart messaging system” on the inside.

For your yoga instructor:

A card that is clearly not for the holidays but just has some floating clouds or, like, a nice moon on it that says, “Please never abandon me as I’ve placed 90% of my newfound happiness on your existence in my life” on the inside.

For your therapist:

One of those kitschy construction paper I.O.U.’s that people make their significant other when they’re broke, but yours can say “I.O.U. Real Answers to Your Questions, Not Just What I Know You Want to Hear : )”

Sarah-Grace Sweeney is a writer living in Brooklyn.