The Noise a Tea Kettle Makes Is Too Jarring

A complaint.

The noise a tea kettle makes is too jarring. It’s amazing to me that people don’t write about this more often.

The early morning is a time for quiet contemplation. It is also a time for lying on the ground to “mediate,” doing ten pushups, and attempting one pull-up. Then it’s time to light a candle. Then it’s time to open your laptop and think, “this again.” Then it’s time to listen to Morning Edition and hear another one of the segments they’re doing where they talk to racists in swing states. I could go on. Then it’s time to have peanut butter toast. Then another thing and another thing.

Notice I did not say that the early morning is a time to hear a tea kettle scream at you so loud that you have to run into the kitchen to turn off the stove with the same speed and firmness of intention you would employ if it were something like your dog knocked over a big glass oh no and now he’s barking and crying and you don’t want him to step on the glass or maybe you don’t have a dog so oh no who knocked over the glass?

I certainly did not say that. And yet, it is part of your (my) routine —

And sometimes also —

Incredible. It is too jarring, the noise a tea kettle makes. If I had to write out what it sounded like it would be this: EhhhheeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Shouldn’t it be less jarring? You’d think, and yet it isn’t.

Look at what I found, from some website that I guess tests tea kettles:

For every kettle we test, we measure the decibel level it reaches when boiling. The quietest unit we’ve tested in the past few years reached 79 decibels (dB), while the loudest hit an ear-splitting 95dB.

And that wouldn’t just drown out the noise of your TV — that kettle would be louder than a lawnmower (around 90dB) and as loud as an electric drill in some cases (a drill is typically between 95dB and 100dB).

Louder than a lawnmower? As loud as an electric drill in some cases? That’s too loud.

I’ve thought about it and have come up with a few improvements for common tea kettles:

• Less jarring noise when the water boils.
• Quieter.
• Makes the coffee for me.
• Is still a tea kettle and not a coffee machine which I do admit would solve all of my problems.

Thank you.