The Dubious Destiny’s Child Guide to Dating

Because “us being official” should actually be an issue

I spent more than half of my life acquiring dating advice from movies I was too young to watch and music I didn’t understand. I owe many of the most awkward moments and poor judgment to Destiny’s Child lyrics. Without their music, as a group and solo artists, I wouldn’t have done some of the questionable things that render me interesting to my friends. For better or for worse, here’s how DC4 and DC3 helped me handle these boys through my middle school and college years. Please don’t judge me. I am not a perfect human.

Middle School

You’ll be sayin’ no, no, no, no, no
When it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

If your friend tries to play wingwoman in the school yard, and your crush says “eww,” that doesn’t mean you should call them on the phone that night to ask them out (again). You’ll spend your night crying to Britney Spears’ “Born to Make You Happy,” like I did. When a boy says “no, no, no, no, no,” he probably actually means “no, no, no, no, no.”

It has been five days
You haven’t called me
Do you still want me, still need me

Whether or not he still wants or needs you, he’s at his grandmother’s house for Christmas break. Maybe he’s enjoying time with her, didn’t write your house number down to take with him because it’s 1999 and neither of you own a cell phone, or he’s just not that into you. Do not call his house in forty-five-minute intervals. His family has caller ID, and you look crazy. Just don’t do it.

High School

Every night I lay and think about it
If you love me you could live without it
But I don’t wanna do you that way no no, no no no

Your boyfriend will live without sex. Chances are you will live, too. Who knew, right? Now you can stop feeling awkward every time you watch that scene in Stepmom, where Anna cries to Isabel because her boyfriend got all pissy for not kissing him with her mouth open. Contrary to what you believe, people are not calling you “Frosty the Snowbitch.” Only have sex when you when you’re ready to have sex.

Yes, we can be together
But you gotta wait for me
The first time I said no
It’s like I never said yes

As mentioned earlier, “no, no, no, no, no,” actually means “no, no, no, no, no.” It doesn’t matter how many times your significant other has had sex with you before, keep in mind that they are not obligated to share their body with you again. Don’t try to coerce someone into sleeping with you, like a guy once did to me on his sixteenth birthday. Believe it or not, even birthday sex must be consensual.

Don’t get mad cause I feel sad
That’s why I must confess

Feeling bad about cheating doesn’t mean the other person isn’t allowed to be upset. Think of all the times you gave your number out, and hung out in parks with other boys. Remember that time you made a pact with your best friend to dump your boyfriends for the new guys in your English class. Every guy with hazel eyes and a water ice hookup isn’t worth it. Don’t be a cheater.

College

See I know we not official
But us being official ain’t never been an issue

Not being official will ALWAYS be the issue. Not being official is why you’ll think it’s okay to take phone calls and visits from someone at 2 a.m. Not being official will drive you to stalk someone’s tagged Facebook photos multiple times a day to see who they’re hanging out with. He/She is not the type to take it slow. Never be cool with no commitment if you actually require commitment.

Ooh, I see us makin’ plans
Me and you, forget your circumstance

Dirty macking is not okay. Don’t be that girl. Let the boy you met and cheated on in high school, be the guy you met and cheated on in high school. He has a girlfriend now. He shouldn’t be at your house at 2 a.m. bringing you sausage biscuits from McDonald’s. Don’t be a mistress.

These men don’t want no hot female that’s
Been around the block female, you nasty girl

Don’t put down other women. Men will not respect you because you enjoy putting down other women. It’s not cool to judge your friends for keeping a ziplock bag filled with condoms in their purse. Don’t correlate sexual assault with specific types of clothing. Respect a woman’s right to wear what she wants, and sleep with who she wants. End.

Niesha Miller is a writer from Philadelphia.