How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

By Kelly Conaboy September 15, 2016

I know you think you know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Uh, yeah — you take peanut butter and jelly and put it on sandwich, I mean bread,” you’re saying, because you wanted to make a rude remark and were so excited to get it out that you said the wrong thing accidentally. Mhm. Well, it’s possible you do know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But only if you know my method. This could be either because I told you in the past or because we came up with the same thing individually.

If you make it the right way, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is one of the best foods. It tastes good and you can eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if you want. One time a person told me that peanut butter and jelly is “a children’s sandwich.” Excuse me? No, this is untrue. It’s an “anyone” sandwich, and if you think you have to stop eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches just because you’ve existed on this earth long enough to have accumulated a long list of regrets and stress that makes you clench your jaw all day and night I feel very sorry for you indeed. Why make things worse for yourself? Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s very good for everybody, especially if you make it this way:

1. Get Bread

It doesn’t really matter what bread you have, and I don’t really even have a suggestion. Whatever you want. I used to eat white bread but now I get, like, oat nut bread that has seeds or whatever on it. Go crazy.

2. Toast the Bread

All of the steps that follow “get bread” are actually very important steps. “Get bread” was maybe unnecessary in retrospect. This is the first of the important steps. Toast the bread so it’s warm and crunchy and melts the peanut butter.

3. Put Peanut Butter on Both Pieces of Toast

Whatever kind of peanut butter you want to use is fine. I use this kind now, but I used to use Jif. I recommend trying the Smucker’s kind I like, even if you don’t like the kind of peanut butter you have to stir, because it’s actually worth it and I wouldn’t recommend it if it weren’t and I wish you would just trust me even just once in your life. The important thing, though, is that you put it on both pieces of toast. “A little bit on both ?” No, the same amount you put on before, when you were just putting it on one of them, but that on both of them. Yes? Get it? A lot of peanut butter.

4. Do Not Use Jelly, Use Jam

As you can see in the drawing, jelly is just a big old blob with an “X” on it. Big old dumb gelatinous blob. Yuck. No thanks. Jam, as you can see in the drawing, is less jelly-like in its consistency and it has a checkmark on it indicating “yes.” Mmm. Use jam. I like grape.