Brush Your Teeth With Black Stuff To Make Them White

Finally, a tooth-whitening solution for me

Having white teeth is a scam, but I still want them anyway. Ever since my preferred whitening strips were discontinued a couple of years ago, I’ve been on the lookout for something that fulfills my needs of both working and not sucking, and I think I’ve finally found it.

Here’s the deal: Products like Crest White Strips can strip enamel and leave your teeth really sensitive to cold and heat, and the effects of those laser lights the Kardashians plug on Instagram seem psychosomatic at best. What you’re left with options-wise after that is stuff like brushing baking soda and hydrogen peroxide onto your teeth, or elective whitening treatments at your dentist’s office, and who has that kind of time and expendable income? So these past couple years I’ve been brushing and flossing and making due with my natural tooth color, but it turns out I’m an idiot.

After filling my Amazon cart with my usual trash last week, I noticed their recommendations rail had something promising in it: charcoal tooth-whitening powder. Customers like me often pair it with some of the items I’d already purchased, so I clicked around to see what the deal is, and you guys—every single one of them is satisfied. The reviews were all positive. There was testimonial after testimonial about how easy the product was to use, and picture after picture of someone’s coffee-stained Before teeth right alongside their less-stained After teeth. I know what paid Amazon reviews look like, fam, and these were not them.

Since the price point was low (less than $20 when a box of White Strips will set you back $30+, easy), I ordered the powder then and there. As you can see from the picture, there’s not much to the product itself—it’s like someone took a bunch of charcoal sticks from your high school art classroom, ground them up, and is selling them online. The brand I purchased has only four ingredients*, so there’s no secret science for it to hide behind. Apparently putting charcoal on your bones just whitens them. Sick.

The application process goes as follows:

1. Wet the tip of your toothbrush.
2. Gently dip your bristles into the charcoal powder until they get nice n’ chalky at the ends.
3. Brush continuously for a minute or two. You will look like that old tumblr meme celebrities with no teeth. Are you a Lovato or a Drake? Use this time to decide.
4. Spit out some jarring, jet black sludge. The texture will be like normal spit, but it will look like something that seeps out of a deep sea vent. The visual is metal and cool and a great way to start your day.
5. Rinse clean.
6. Have good teeth.

That’s all! That’s the whole deal!

And hey, I’m not your doctor. Who knows what’s best for you? All I’m gonna say is that you’re allowed to scrub charcoal dust all over your teeth if you want to, and when you do, they might just get cleaner and whiter.

Mine are.

_____

*activated charcoal, clay, mint, and orange peel