Some Questions For Wendi Deng

Wendi,

Wendi. I just have a few questions for you, I guess. Do you know that I think about you at least once a day? At least. Do you know that I especially dwell on that thing you wrote in your diary, about Tony Blair? Wendi you absolute legend. You mythical beast. Do you have even the smallest inkling of what an OG you are? Remember how you described Tony Blair’s eyes as “pierce blue eyes which I love”? Do you know that I think that’s probably the best thing anyone has ever committed to paper? WENDI. I have so many questions you wouldn’t believe it.

What do you and Vladimir Putin talk about? What kind of drinks do you drink? What do you do to Relax? I asked my friend Ben what he thought about this and he said, I bet you they go hunting. Wendi, is that true? Do you ever talk to Rupert Murdoch on the phone? Oh my GOD, what did you think of Rebekah Brooks? Do you hate Jerry Hall now, or do you wish her all the best? Did you know that she totally made Rupert stop tweeting? Obviously you know that. Do you think she was following your lead, in her own inadequate way? WHY don’t you have Twitter? What do you know that we do not? Wait, wait, I can answer that last one myself: EVERYTHING.

Ok back to old Jerry, just for two seconds. Do you think, as I do, that her wedding photos were bizarre in a way that is essentially indescribable? There was something just not right about them. Do you agree? Those hideous blue dresses! I mean, Jesus. Do you know how bad a dress has to be to render unremarkable one of the biggest babes on the planet (Elizabeth Jagger)? VERY BAD. Anyway, who cares, ultimately? She is just Jerry Hall and you are WENDI FUCKING DENG. You cartoon villain. You miraculous bird of prey.

How actually did you meet Vladimir Putin? What were you wearing? When you are on Roman Abramovic’s yacht, Wendi, do you ever sort of hark fondly back to the pie incident? Remember that? This is when you first really came into view, for me. The pie incident was a real highlight. I hope you feel the same.

Do you ever catch sight of yourself in a reflective surface and think There I am: a modern-day Becky Sharp? Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. You two probably would not be best pals, but you would fear and respect each other’s game. Wendi, how do you do it? How come you are like this? Remember the incredible thing you wrote about Eric Schmidt in your diary? I am unembarrassed to tell you that I know it by heart. You said:

I achieved my purpose of Eric saw me looking so gorgeous and so fantastic and so young, so cool, so chic, so stylish, so funny and he cannot have me. Plus he is really really ugly. Unattractive . . . and fat. Not stylish at all try to wear hip clothes. . . . I’m so so soo soooo happy I’m not with him.

WENDO. What next? Do you ever remind yourself of just an extremely attractive crocodile? What were you like as a child? What is your favourite TV show? Are you bad or good, or are you more of a moral neutral? Do you sometimes feel like you are getting away with something, or do you accept this all as your due? Does your life feel normal to you, or do you a little bit feel like you might be violating the terms of the Geneva Convention? Tell me.

What is your favorite food? Are you a morning person or a night person? Wendi, are you quite sure that you are real? Do you think it’s possible that you will live to be a billion years old, older than the sun, the king of us all? I think it not only possible, but likely. Wendi, how do you feel about that? Tell me.