Rules for Bugs
Bug rules.
Bugs have gotten out of control. The buzzing, the flying into your face, the crawling on your leg — it’s a mess. Last week a mosquito landed on me, I swatted at him, and he refused to leave. Did I receive a mosquito bite, even though I told this mosquito to shoo? I did. He was very brazen.
Although you may agree that bugs have gotten out of control, I’d like to take a guess at what you might be thinking: “There’s nothing to be done.” Uh-huh. You’re probably thinking, “They’re bugs. What are you gonna do.” Mm. You’re a predictable disappointment. Bugs, like teens or unpleasant adults, crave discipline. So here’s what you’re “gonna” do: Simply print these rules and leave them where a bug might see them, like in a plant or in the ground or in the air.
Here they are:
No Buzzing
“But we love buzzing,” you’re saying with a bug voice. All right. “It’s how we make noise, and it’s from our little wings.” OK, OK, all right. “Also, it’s”— mmhm? — “how we startle people when they’re outside just trying to read or have a beer or barbecue or walk somewhere or otherwise enjoy the last days of a summer that has gone by far too quickly, its apparent haste emphasizing the fact that time continues to outpace this person’s accomplishments, not that it’s any of our business, and, so, we make them jump up and look foolish, because we’re buzzing very close to their ear and who can blame them really, also we should mention that it’s fine if they yelp a little on account of how scary we make the buzzing.” Ha! Well, see, right away you’ve exposed your motive and I must ask you to stop.
You may buzz privately.
No Moving So Fast
Moving quickly is fine — especially if you’re moving away from me, hah! No, I’m kidding. Me and you are friends. That’s why I have to ask you to stop moving so quickly, if you’re a bug who crawls very quickly or flies very fast. It’s just too fast, and everyone knows you’re doing it too fast on purpose.
No Being a Yellow Jacket
There are so many things you could “bee” in this world (lol), why “bee” (lol) a yellow jacket, or anything like that? Just to “bee” (lol) very terrifying, and I think have a nest on my apartment roof? Hm. Why not try “bee”ing (lol) a honey bee (no buzzing), or a bird?
Pretend to Be More Afraid of Humans
I understand — believe me — that you are not afraid of humans. I don’t understand why, as you are much smaller and more fragile, but I see and respect your nerve and fearlessness. I must ask, however, that you pretend to be more afraid. When you’re flying around a person’s face (but don’t), and the person shoos you away, please go away. Do not continue to fly around the person’s face, making them feel crazy and very frustrated. You’ve done your deed, you’ve made your presence known. Likewise if you’re crawling near or on a person (don’t) and the person notices, and you notice them noticing, and they notice you noticing them noticing you noticing, please run away. It’ll just, well — ugh, just please do it.
No Mosquito Bites
I guess this one is only for mosquitos, technically. No mosquito bites. Also, if you’re a mosquito, no making your mosquito sound. Especially when it’s night time, but also always.
No Being Pedantic About What Is and Isn’t Technically a “Bug”
No.
Thank you!